Saturday, March 14, 2009

More Idlis?

Ananthu shuffled into the dining room where everyone had assembled for dinner. His wife was inside, lying on the bed. She'd eat on the bed. Like she had for the last 2 months. One of the girls fed her everyday. In fact, everyone seemed to be only too happy to take care of her. She was, after all, their aunt. And the girls had inherited their father's famous streak for unconditional generosity and responsibility. Amazing how the mother didn't grumble too. Like most women in her position possibly would.

He was the first one from his village to go on to study at the college in erstwhile Madras. He'd finished his Doctorate studies and landed himself a plum job with the Central Government. His good fortune didn't end there. He was immensely lucky to have married Annapoorna, a nubile young girl full of dreams and a rebellious streak that he so loved to control. It turned him on. To see her rebel and then whimper back to reality. They were on a vacation. Visiting all the temples in South India on a pilgrimage. He'd promised his mother this trip ever since he got the job as a Senior Scientist with the Government. Now, here they were at 7 A.M. nearing Trichy.There was a bustle around a small road-side tea shop and the bus driver decided to stop there for a quick breakfast.

Ananthu rued the day he'd boastfully offered to take his young brother-in-law, all of 7 years old on this trip. Of course, the boy had been of immense help. He'd carried the bags around, watched bags all night in the bus lest someone steal it. But then, the boy was a real pest. Very independent, shrewd and too smart for his own good, he decided. Now, he wanted more Idlis. How much does the boy eat anyway? He'd already finished 2 big Idlis that costed 25 paisa. More, he asks! Ananthu refused and walked back into the bus.

He sat down opposite Babu. The girls sat on the rest of the chairs around their father. Ananthu always had a bad feeling about Babu. Even at 50, Babu behaved and worked like he was 30 and had a whole lifetime to do anything and everything he wanted. He was extremely ambitious in everything he worked at. He'd made sure to find a wife who supported him in his ambitions and laugh away all the loans and all the risks. Strangely enough, the girls were the same. Classic businessmen's daughters. He never allowed them to have it easy. He made his girls work hard and learn things the hard way, Ananthu observed. Just like he had. All his life. Babu was known to be a slogger. Someone who didn't take too kindly to lethargy or indecision. Ananthu still remembered the way he'd taken control of the situation on the day his wife was diagnosed with cancer of the urinary tract. Babu announced that he'd take his sister home and take care of her himself. Like he didn't trust her with Ananthu. No one said anything. Even his daughter who was studying for her Board exams. Ananthu was just hoping he could accompany his wife too. He certainly couldn't cook to save his life and didn't want to spend money on eating out for a long time. Considering Poorni had cancer, he wasn't sure of the next events in his life.

The boy stared back at Ananthu and looked beseechingly at his sister, though he knew it was of not much use. His sister did everything that her husband wanted. For all her rebelliousness, she was totally a doormat to her parsimonious arrogant husband. He knew in his young heart then and there that his parents had made a mistake with this one. He asked her this time. "Poorni, tell Athimbair to buy me one more Idli no? Please." She shrugged. "Ivaniku unnu oru Idli venumaame?" After being the recipient of a glare, she told the young boy to go and check if the bags were still on the top of the bus. Annapoorna was tired of the travelling. All the more because of her mother-in-law. All she needed was that brat of a brother of hers to irritate her.

Geeta served Idlis. The girls groaned. Seemed like they all hated Idlis. He noticed that breakfast was usually Dosas or Poori or even Chapati. The girls ate out quite often too. Something he'd ever allowed his girls to do. The girls brought something back for him and his wife too, always. He'd eaten some Pani Puri that evening. After moving to Babu's house 3 months ago, he'd even eaten that expensive international Dosa - pizza. He himself may never have spent Rs 250 on that, but then the girls had ordered some and offered him some. He certainly would never say no to food. Babu didn't like pizza, it seemed. Ananthu thought he saw Babu and Geeta noticing him when he bit into that pizza, but didn't think much of it. He knew that Babu didn't like him too much. He always felt Babu's mocking gaze every once in a while. When he organized his daughter's wedding or when he sent Poorni with a one way bus fare to help her mother when Geeta had gone to her mother's house for her delivery. Babu had sent his sister back with the next visit's bus fare.

Babu wasn't any longer at the table. Geeta kept up the conversation as always: "Avarikku Idli na aagadu. Pasee thaangale na daan saapduvaru. Neenga unnu onnu edthu kongo. Ungalku Idli daan romba pudikyun ille?"

P.S. - This is the first story that I've written in my life. All kinds of feedback welcome. Non Tamil speakers, I'm terribly sorry. Thanks a ton.

24 comments:

buddy said...

nice little nuances here and there...
more more!

Macabreday said...

nice one nand'h :)

sundar said...

since you said this is your first story, no point in allowing my inner critic come out and harass you..LOL

இருந்தாலும் ஒரு விஷயம் சொல்லணும்....

clarity is the key to hold on the reader till the end....

Hope you will take care of that

crumpledpapers said...

i like the way it is going. I believe we are going to see some crushing of chauvinism. I appreciate it. keep going. also if possible with subtitles :)

Ranjani said...

Way to go! I like the way it flowed:)
Nicely done.

Varsha Vipins said...

Haha..enjoyed this post.You write so good..:)

Cynic in Wonderland said...

This is very nice. It's fluid.

Anonymous said...

so well written! first story? really?

Anonymous said...

it's as good as a pro's story! very beautiful and touching.. bravo!

Gradwolf said...

non-linear narration? awesome!

maxdavinci said...

ah cheater, this ain't you.

tell you mom/(the maami who wrote this) that it was a very enjoyable read.

Also I don't point shortcomings when elders write, so I'll just say besh besh.

PS: write something on yor own again!

rads said...

ahhh, Got it! Cleverly done :-)

Write more!

amna said...

Nandu, I am dumb, so I am not going to comment. You should keep writing though.

Liberal said...

it was a nice story..but why create an ass of a kanjoos character that we would all love to hate? Dripping cynicism though...but very well written..surely rivetting

Anonymous said...

Is there a sequel? I want more!

Nandini Vishwanath said...

@buddy: Thanks man. Gimme more feedback no?

@ Mac: You rock at such stuff, man!

@ Sundar: I understand, Sir. Will work on it :) Thanks!

@ Crumpledpapers: Thanks! Will work on this more for sure.

@ Ranj: :) thanks!

@ Varsha: How did you find this site!!?!

@ Cyn: Need to work on it, Cyn. Feedback please!

@ SJ: I try ;) No, really. It needs work

@ Rohini: thanks so much :)

@ Gradwolf: I had to look that up btw. Awesome you are ;)

@ Max: Am trying man! Am trying ;)

@ Rads: you are 'it.'

@ Nags: We discussed this :)

@ Liberal: But only such characters are interesting, and more importantly exist!

@ Stith: Err.. no.

crumpledpapers said...

can you translate the last line? i think i missed that part :-s

Raja said...

Nandu, have just read this today.
Very nice. You should definitely write much more.

One comment (already mentioned by Sundar I think).

Clarity is very important. Maybe it is just me but I got completely lost with who the characters were and their relationship with each other. I had to read this multiple times to then get the hang of it. Am not sure everybody has this level of patience (or maybe others get it first-time itself. Like I said, it could be me :-) ).

Apart from that one aspect, I found it really good. Do write more. Your imagination is good, there is wonderful flow too. And I am very impressed by your ability to express complex relationships in a very nuanced manner.

The use of Tamil is very effective and also just right for the story. It would not be the same without this.

So all in all, well-written.

And that for a first story !!!

Am looking forward to reading more of these.

Raja said...

Btw, I live the new look of your blog a lot. Much easier on the eye than the previous look.

Some more specific comments (I find only specific comments useful. General comments do not really help to improve another person if he/she does not know exactly what needs improvement).

- "He sat down opposite Babu. The girls sat on the rest of the chairs around their father."
This is the part of the story where Babu is being introduced but to me it was not clear at all who Babu is and how he is related to Ananthu. Unless it was your intention to make the reader figure this out, it would have been easier to get this clear upfront. Again, maybe it is me but I doubt that the main purpose of your story was to have people guessing about how people are related. It seems to me that you wanted to discuss more about the subtlety (or otherwise) of the relationships (which you have btw written about beautifully).

- "Ananthu still remembered the way he'd taken control of the situation on the day his wife was diagnosed with cancer of the urinary tract."
A little complicated. The first "he" refers to Babu, the next "his" refers to Ananthu.
Instead of "his wife", if you had said "Annapoorna" (who has already been introduced), it would be much simpler, n'est ce pas ? :-)

- I don't mean to be picky but
"watched bags all night in the bus lest someone steal it".
Shouldn't this be "steals" instead of "steal" ?

Just a few comments, Nandu. Otherwise, like I said, very well-written.

You HAVE to write more.

Raja said...

Talking of specifics, there are many nuances that I like.

"He knew in his young heart then and there that his parents had made a mistake with this one."

"Ananthu thought he saw Babu and Geeta noticing him when he bit into that pizza, but didn't think much of it."

Just excellent.

Btw,
"And the girls had inherited their father's famous streak for unconditional generosity and responsibility. Amazing how the mother didn't grumble too. "
Who are the father/mother here ?
Babu and Geeta ?
If so, Babu's character as described here seems to be very different from how he is portrayed later on.

Sorry, Nandu, I may have completely missed the plot - literally and figuratively. :-)

See, I am still not clear about who is who. Am not even sure who Geeta is. She just suddenly appears in the story. Seems to be a kindly soul though.

And all this talk of idlis, is making me desperately want to have some. ;-)

Anonymous said...

lovely!! can't believe this is your first story! here's to many more!

Nandini Vishwanath said...

@crumpled papers: It means: Babu doesn't like Idlis. He eats them only when he is extremely hungry. However, I know you like them no?

@Raja Mama: That's awesome feedback. I know I should sit and think on those points :) I wrote this in 20 mins and published it. So! I promise to work on it for sure!

@Padmaja: thanks!

crumpledpapers said...

aahhh...
I love idlis. I haven't had one in more than 2 years!!!

Usha said...

too good for a 1st timer, I say!
i loved reading it,and ur latest story too..

keep 'em coming!!