Sis in town

My younger sis (by just 2 years) is in town. She studies elsewhere in the US and had a grueling first semester in terms of health, studies and culture shock. This is her first time out of home and away from her very very similar groups of friends. She couldn't wait to come here and I couldn't wait to have her over, though we've always, always fought like cats and dogs. Soon after I got married, I realized we had the same value system though everything else about us is very different.

She loves shopping, clothes, dressing up, movies, hates books, loves Math and Science, determined, very very hardworking, hated English and Social Studies back in school, believes in studying 6 months ahead of an exam, almost always believed my parents were right, had immense patience with my rather orthodox granny. You get the picture, don't you? :) I'm not any of this.

She's been here for the last 3-4 days and I'm going mad. I'd forgotten what it is like to live with her. She shops for 3 hours for ONE jacket and rethinks her decision at the cash counter. She tries the newly bought skirt and top every time she goes into her room to get something. It could be to get her phone back into the drawing room. She is constantly eating. 24/7. My sis is not obese or fat or anything of that sort. In fact, she is way more conscious of looks and what not. But she can't stop munching. I realize maddeningly how she reaches for the next snack, leftover dal, leftover curry, just fruit almost every 20 mins. I'm not used to this. I've been away from home for over 5-6 years with short intervals at home. I've heard my youngest, the most impatient of us all complain about this sister of mine. How she is always shopping, how she is always complaining about how fat she is and continues to much, how she is forever parading in new clothes and asking people if it suits her body type, her skin type etc etc. I always laughed and had fun watching the drama from far away!

Now, when she does these things with me. I stare at her. Literally. I had no clue it'd be like this. She is always chatting with her friends, Skyping with someone else, knows what she wants, or at least thinks so, eats continuously, helps me but still rolls eyes at me, drives me mad with her lack of organization and planning, even madder when she laughs at jokes made about me by A. In fact, she is hilarious to watch.

When my youngest sis started high school and then college, I was away from home already. But there was a deep sense of fear about the various things she'd have to go through. The peer pressure, the disappointment with failure, confusion, fears - something I'd gone through. I, much to her irritation, counselled her every now and then - comb your hair, don't behave like this, do this and do that. Much like my mom did with me and how, I hate (d) it! I didn't want her to go through the bad things I did! I wanted her to have all the fun I had without the heartache. However, I've never thought this way with my younger one - the one who is here now.

Today, it struck me. She's gone out with her friends. Friends I don't know. Some friends who have a car and have taken her out. I resisted from calling her until 3 hours after she left. She was at the Aquarium. She mentioned that she was going to a restaurant. It is 8 PM and she hasn't come home yet. I called her again, and she mentioned she was at a mall and is eating out with her friends. I'm not worried about her, or paranoid like my mom was, about me, when I did exactly the same things!

But what is this I feel? I'm tense. Amma, I know how you feel now. And I can't stand her most of the time! I fight with her, to date. Then, why sit waiting for her? I'm getting old :| Really old, in the mind, even. Sigh.

Away We Go

This is where this draft ended. And I don't remember what my point really was. Like it isn't obvious to you guys :)

But the title of the post makes me think of other stuff corresponding to some other stuff I've been thinking about lately. Even before the last momentous thing that happened in my life (will update soon), during my long India trip, I ruminated a lot. What else would you do if you have nothing else to do? Think.

For all the tough times we have been going through, we've had a ton of fun. But what bogs us down, seemingly, every single instance of being upset is a sense of failure in achievement of a certain objective. Now, who sets the objectives, you may ask? We do. We set the bars for success, failure, relationship, love, about what we expect from others, what we imagine others expect from us and so many other complicated things. As I was struggling to sleep now ( Its 1.30AM) it just struck me. I thought about this movie, 'Away We Go' and thought that AB and I almost represent the protagonists in the movie. I'm being romantic in my observations again, but then why do I care? My blog, my romantic notions.

The protagonists in the movie are expecting a baby and want to give the best of the world they live in, to the baby. Once they receive a rude shock from the guy's parents about not being there when the baby will be born, they decide to move to other cities in search of like-minded friends. To figure out a healthy, wholesome, fun environment and great people around whom to bring up their kid. They move from Canada to NY to one of the South-west states and finally reach the girl's parents' house. The girl's parents are no more and she doesn't like talking about her life. But that is where she realizes what all she's missed all the years that she's tried to shut it all out. That is where they realize that what matters is not the people around them or others' ideas about the perfect world.

I reached this realization, however trivial it may sound to anyone, in India. Sitting in an AC room in Chennai, friendless and activity-less, I thought about my life. Why was I letting people measure me through what they thought was right? Why was I getting so paranoid about what was right? It hit me that truth was absolute, and no amount of thinking on my part or no person is going to change the truth about me. Or about anything in this world. Why am I rating myself or others, constantly?

Strangely enough, it relieved me of the heavy burden and I slept well that night after months of insomnia. What was even more strange was that some things began to work out. And for all the cribbing and whining and crying, I came out with something really profound that I know I haven't been able to write about here. Today, now, I'm at a stage where I'm not letting anyone, including myself or anything deter me from doing/saying/thinking what I want. Its a weird kind of freedom.

I usually don't remember movies for this long. This post brought me back at 1.45 AM when I have a raging fever to write again. I'm not sure you understand me. I'm not sure AB gets it yet. But I've got it and it feels good. And its relieving to be joking again, to be smiling openly again, to not keep thinking again. It feels good to let go. It feels good to be me again.