She sat there fully decked in jewels and the grandest sari I'd ever seen. She looked like a temple goddess. Not just in terms of beauty or the weird bridal glow that every brides acquire just in time, but mostly because of the jewels on her body. There were those trademark white stoned necklaces, long chains with huge pendants, red stone jewellery, some diamonds thrown in, lots of glittering gold, something on her slender arms, a piece of belt-like jewellery(vodyaana) on the waist, rings connecting to the umpteen number of bangles glistening on her hands. The sari was grander than anything I'd seen. She is all of 22. Giggling along with her friends, still not eating her vegetables, my neighbour's daughter who was getting married looked very much like a kid that she is.
I've known them since we moved to this house. We live in a residential locality and the community is very close-knit. This particular neighbour moved in the same day as us. It was a sheer coincidence that both our and their homes were owned by siblings who sold it to each of us respectively. His kids were younger than me. We got along well. Uncle even become really friendly with Appa, through business connections. Trust was gained. They were friends for life.
Uncle was really happy that my India visit coincided with his only daughter's wedding. We were invited for the almost 5 day affair. While I personally stay away from weddings, this one was different. This was a girl I'd seen grow. And that's very rare :) considering how old/young I am! And my parents were expected to make an appearance everyday. I managed to skip most functions apart from the good food that is served. I went religiously between my online and offline trysts to eat good food and comment on how I don't miss 'American' food and how I cook Indian food. Memories about my marriage surfaced. I was one of the first girls in the neighbourhood to get married. All in good fun.
I did wonder about whether this girl wanted to do anything else apart from getting married. When I spoke to my mom, she spoke of how in their community, it was common. It was common for the girl to get married this early, for the girl to not be financially independent, to marry a fellow business partner's son, to marry men who handle their dad's businesses and are not necessarily highly educated. And how the garish display of wealth was the norm. Who was I to comment on how much wealth they had, anyway? My wedding was fairly well-done (too well-done in my opinion, but emotional blackmail always works for parents no?)
I was to go to the Muhurtham. According to my mom, it was going to be sight for sore eyes. She laughed and spoke of how one could figure out new fashion trends for blouses and saris and see all kinds of jewellery on show. I was curious. I've managed to skip weddings for precisely this reason. Such stuff is boring for me. However, I was extremely curious to see all the men dressed up. Apparently, they wore jewellery too. I just had to see this.
Mum was tying the blue sari - my first sari bought by parents for my engagement. I was okay with it. For all my 'i hate dressing up' attitude, this one promised to be fun. I wanted to wear the jhumka my mom gave me for my first visit home, the gold chain that my Pati gave me during my wedding, those new golden heels that I'd bought the day before. I wanted to wear a sari after 2 years of jeans. And I wanted to look pretty. As I stood there like a scarecrow waiting for the inevitable pin prick on my shoulder, Amma kept talking. "You complained so much about your wedding which was nothing compared to this. Now watch. You know, apart from all the jewellery and the saris (nearly 15-20 of them) and Mehendi at an expensive restaurant, they also gave the boy a site and a car. We haven't done anything of that sort."
I just stared at her. Site? Car? Really? She continued. "...they have also kept 40 lakhs in the girl's FD account." Suddenly my mom realized I was way too quiet. She said to me: " Ayyo, I shouldn't have said these things. Its all normal in their community, kanna. And its 'aasai' - who else will they do it for, if not their daughter?"
I didn't go for the wedding. Very uncharacteristically, I burst into tears. What could I do apart from skipping yet another wedding? And should I be ashamed that my parents went to the wedding? Their logic? "Uncle is a nice man. He's helped us a lot. He's always been there looking out for you kids and Pati...and its common. The guy is not going to do anything to the girl. Its all love."
So what is the definition of love today? Security deposit for your daughter?
25 comments:
Different people live by different morals. Can we judge them if no one gets hurt?
PS: i like the way this post flows
I agree with buddy. It's the girl's prerogative. If there is nothing to lose for anyone, what's there?
I agree with your parents' logic though. It's perfectly alright. Not attending, in my opinion, would be like people joining Facebook group causes. What do you prove?
definition of love today? but hasn't this been going on forever? in fact, this is more old-fashioned than the norm today right?
and anyway, how does love figure into an arranged marriage? i am guessing it flows in later, if at all.
unless you meant love for the daughter :)
@buddy: Refer to chat :)
@Gradwolf: What about the law, Adi? And yes, the girl is socially conditioned, like all of us are.
@Nags: Love between parents and daughter, yes. And no, I'm not saying its not old fashioned. Of course it is. It just happened way too close home for me.
I'm not surprised. Traditional marriages have always been between one man and many women, most often to keep trade/business ties.
I consciously avoid emotionally blackmailed arranged (read as social brothel) marriages.
@ Dilip: Neither was I. It just hurt a lot since it was close home. I'd disagree that all traditional/arranged marriages are a business agreement. Mine wasn't and I'm more than happy with the way things have worked out for me.
I do like the term social brothel though I find it a little harsh. Because I don't think its true in all cases, nowadays.
Welcome here!
@Nandini: Exceptions do not make a rule. I'm happy your wedding was a nice one despite being arranged but in my personal opinion (with no offense meant) it think arranged marriages take away the whole purpose of sexuality in humans. The display of capability to convince an eligible bachelor(ette) of the opposite gender that you are the best partner one can find. Isn't that why all of us try so hard in life to be someone? Otherwise we could all flunk 6th grade, smoke pot and watch tv right?
I find that "trying & achieving" part missing in arranged marriages. Maybe that part comes into play for a liberal section of the society which is a minority (for example families like yours & mine that live in the city/NRI's) but step right outside of the city into the highway's & towns you can see the real india. The kind you describe in this blog post. My periamma/aunts, many of them are such type and i consciously avoided all family occasions just so i do not support such things.
Arranged marriage is not a practical solution regardless of how liberal modern families like us can adopt and adapt it to our needs. It wont encourage cross communal relationships (inter caste marriages are unheard of in arranged marriages) & ultimately keep india a closed society with religious differences.
Of course, there is arranged marriage rape for which i can dedicate a whole series of blog posts to & other things like in-laws, cultural/traditional expectations of the husband & their family/neighbors/society which apply by default when it is an arranged marriage. There is no way one can "set expectations" on such things, i think.
P.S. Yes, it sounds offensive but i have successfully coined and used (read as abused) the term "social brothel" for long now. When "social drinking" (which in itself is a stupid terminology cuz the truth is you want to drink and you are inventing an excuse for it) can exist, social brothel can too :-)
@ Dilip: Thanks for getting back! I haven't ever contested that arranged marriages are not a farce most of the times. All I've wanted to clarify is that not all of them are as bad :) About the purpose of sexuality being lost, that is a bit exaggerated, in my opinion.
I just took my wedding as an example because I can only vouch for mine. That said, I do agree that not all of us get to make our own decisions about the boy/girl we want to marry (especially in lives dissimilar to yours or mine).
To be honest, I did not understand why you think we all want to be someone. Isn't that just a case of wanting to fit in? And some of us find smoking pot as a way to fit in?
All the aunts/uncles/ammas and appas included are hypocrites, (me too, at some level) and I admit that. Like someone said here, not attending the wedding doesn't seem to cut it for them. They only get persistent. Some of us care, some of us don't.
In a response to your last point about arranged marriages, its not like I'm a proponent of arranged marriages. I'm for anything that suits an educated bride and groom (of course, we are all brought up - conditioned - is this where your 'being someone' comes into? to think in a certain way) So, some of us end up thinking the way our parents think and some of us don't.
Sorry for rambling. Its early morning. Come back and let me know! :)
P.S. I am not offended by social brothel. It was a little harsh, I thought. That's all.
I think it is nice of parents to give a gift for their childs wedding. Why do we need to think of it as dowry? They could afford it, and so they give it. Now if that amount and the land was taken on credit, then I'd say its wrong.
As for arranged marriage,I think that if not forced on either party, its a great idea!
Hi..first time here..came here from Coconut Chutney..
i did a post on a similar topic recently:
http://hydchennai.blogspot.com/2009/12/love-v-money-in-marriage.html
I thought of this : http://www.savadati.com/2010/01/07/all-that-glitters/
when i read your post.
@Nandini: I'm sorry but i must clarify. I never said you supported arranged marriages of sorts. I was merely stating my opinion in the context of what you wrote since i've seen similar weddings as the way you describe all of my life.
I never meant to say every arranged marriage is bad. However i'm certain from evidence of observation that most of them are detrimental to the Indian society as a whole. It places the man above the woman and there is very less opportunity for a woman to say something in an arranged marriage setup. Exceptions are when a woman is working as well, makes at-least half as much as the man and does not succumb to conservative beliefs.
Its not about wanting to be someone. Its about making a choice and taking responsibilities for that choice one makes.
Its very usual for me to hear "onga appan en thalaila katti vechittan" (your father unethically sold you off to me)in an argument when a man & woman quarrel in an Indian home, which is the premise of many problems in the typical Indian family which in turn leads to much complications within the family & the society.
The moment the Indian populace can take responsibility instead of being experts in passing the buck i think we can answer much of our problematic questions that haunt our society now. I can accept many arranged marriages today in the upper middle class society (like mine) are more of a formality than a ritual but that's 2.3% of 1 billion people in India.
My only problem with arranged marriage is this often the guy and almost always the girl is coerced (emotional blackmail & convincing accounts to coercion too, its just a different tactic) into saying yes. So the argument of "nowadays its done with consent" is not true. The definition of consent is skewed to the point of who has the capability to convince (read as coerced). If the foundation of a society which starts with the relationship between a man & a woman is going to have so much holes to begin with i cant help but wonder why its obvious India has so much unique problems.
Relationships are extremely personal. That includes friends, relatives and love. To influence a relationship, any relationship in a direction because one has selfish interests in it (family honor/religion/caste/community/business/money/ego
Did your parents pay for your wedding or did your husband? or was it 50-50?
My own cousin, who's in her 3rd yr of engineering, is certain she wants to get married after her final year..Her parents want her to study further but she's like nah, iv done enough. She doesn't even wanna work! I was taken aback and tried advising her...I mean here i am 26 and not wanting to get married yet and she's 21 and waitingggg to be done with...
As Adi said, it's the girl's perogative...And you know what's funny? Some girls even expect their parents to do this much for them...some money, something...
Well, to each his own...
the saddest part is that the girls expect it in a number of cases. one of my friends sister in law, when she got married ( and she is older than we are) expected her kid brother to fund the entire thing, give her the so-called non-dowry-money. saying that is normal. ( mind you she is earning very well etc etc). made me furious.
@ Cyn: I do agree that girls expect it sometimes. My issue here was that the law was broken. Simple.
@ Preeti: I have a cousin like that and I've learned the hard way that financial independence is not everything. But, there is th social conditioning. Plus, I'm probably biased there.
@ SJ - A lot of things were shared.
@ Dilip: Point taken!
@ Scatterbrain: Unfortunately, that leads to various ramifications in various classes/castes/kinds (of people)
@ Sri, Vasu: Thanks :) read it.
My cousin is going to get married soon..and I thought she would do her masters..but she is very willingly all in to the arranged "wedding" gala now..i am just not able to explain the feeling within me..
What i have noticed is that the parents are just ready to spend above their means for that "one day" occasion..in case if the girl goes through any difficult situation after the wedding,the same parents will not be able to give the required support at that time or the emotional backup..all they would first say is "try to adjust" and even might convince the girl to just accept everything...
Depressing. Agree with a lot of your views, but I am slightly more inclined towards Dilip's, relatively militant and harsh though they may seem.
Three issues here, as I see it:
1. Arranged vs Non-arranged marriage
2. Arranged marriage for business/political/other considerations
3. Money as a measure of love here
1. Indian society is not a free market system with open interaction of the sexes, so the "display of capability" Dilip speaks of becomes moot. Given the general hyper-conservative views on virginity, love and whatnot, arranged marriages are the only option for many. The utopian free market comes with its own side effects, but is still preferable in my view.
2. Sickening to us, perhaps, with our liberal views. It's been happening for centuries in the political space. I know a girl in such a situation, and her point of view was that any arranged match was equally a black box, so if a particular marriage resulted in colateral benefots, that might not be such a bad thing
3. It's nauseating. I hate gala weddings, especially because many are less about love and more about societal acceptance. I dread mine. And I find dowry (under whatever guise) terribly distasteful.(I have no value-add here)
I could write for years on this topic, but I'll try and be short. :D
1) @Dilip: "The display of capability to convince an eligible bachelor(ette) of the opposite gender that you are the best partner one can find."
Please note that human evolution proven that "the display of display of capability to convince an eligible bachelor(ette)" for females almost always means being prettier & more fertile than the competition and for males being a better provider than the competition. Numerous publications exist on this and I doubt that anyone would dispute this.
Now, if you notice, both of these factors are thoroughly considered heavily in arranged marriages (boy's ability to provide demonstrated through job stability and income, especially) so your point that arranged marriages take away the whole purpose of sexuality in humans doesn't really convince me. Rather what we have with arranged marriage is a bigger/ stricter evaluation of suitability than with love marriage where these evolutionary lessons may have been overlooked in favor of non-consequential aspects like "oh, but she sings so well," "I love his style" etc.
2) In general, if there wasn't arranged marriage, 5/10 people in India would never get married. And this doesn't necessarily mean people who are cycle mechanics and seamstresses, but also your male IT employees stuck abroad in offices that are 90+% male. Though the concept of everyone deserves love helps SRK make billions in the box office, the fact remains that not everyone will find the love of their life magically between 20 and 30 years of age purely because of the numbers and distribution of the sexes, especially in India where there are typical male and female jobs + more men than women work in their 20's. I know of perfectly eligible guys (it's almost never the case with girls) who were more than willing to find their own girl to not even get an opportunity to be in a relationship - and these aren't the lecherous, uncouth type of guys - I am talking about well groomed, US degree having, decent looking, fit, well employed guys who try as they may could never find a single Indian girl in their networks. Also, the pressure of settling with what you've got in the absence of better prospects is huge, even if there was no love in the relationship. I know of American girls who have married abusive boyfriends just because they were worried that he'd dump them after a 4-5 year relationship and they'd have to start over again to find someone who could commit. This whole "love marriage for all" concept is unreasonable and statistics from the US should show why! Perhaps "love marriage" in itself should be restyled as self-arranged marriage and then it would make sense. I would strongly contend that only a portion of self-arranged marriages are actually love marriages.
3) Marriage is/ has always served 2 purposes. 1) Propagation of species, 2) Old age insurance in traditional countries such as ours. On both counts, parents have a vested interest, especially in countries like ours, where a large number of senior citizens are dependent on their children. Hence they have a a vested interest in getting their children married to someone who will be able to care for not just their child but for themselves as well, both emotionally and economically. Only reasonably financially secure parents could say that their status would be unaffected if (esp their son) love-married a girl.
4) Finally, arranged marriages have worked because of the ability of the people in them to be reasonable, and what has happened over the last 10 years or so is that reason has gone out the window in a lot of places in favor of an "I will not compromise. I am entitled to what I want" mentality. Arranged marriage was akin to being chained to your partner and being thrown in the sea and when both partners worked together and compromised on certain things, they would stay afloat and swim ashore. With the development of an entitlement mindset in people, I dont see arranged (or any marriage) working well in the long run. I think in the next 30 years, urban, educated India will battle a divorce rate that would envy that of the US or Germany.
Those comments out of the way, I think if the girl is happy getting married at 22 in a way that's consistent with their customs, who is anyone else to judge. I know several girls who want nothing more than to be a housewife with a hobby (and some of these girls are beyond accomplished to make any feminist jump off a tall building) As I see it, it's just market dynamics. There's a demand for it and hence there is supply. :)
umm...u know, i am not sure stuff like this can even be explained. coz i dont know the motivation behind it maybe...business partner, so maybe the marriage started at that level, an agreement of sorts between the partners...u know, turn business relations into a relationship. or perhaps they think the money will help the daughter...or maybe they gave it to ensure that the guy and girl have enuf to start their own family together...i dont know. i know from first hand experience (mostly friends') that marriages born in the business set up flow more so this way.
its happens all the time...strangely(inspite of all our open mindedness) and sadly even now...the girl pays for the wedding, the jewelery, and the boy well he has to buy her ONE saree and maybe have a reception party later..its all so unfair really but i dont know of any wedding whr the boy said lets share costs(incl gold etc) equally.
Honestly, i don't think love figures prominently in the scheme of things..its what started the whole 'drama' but loses relevance soon after
Would you be this incensed if the parents had given her a car on her birthday? Or the flat on some other occasion? Or if they had given the couple all this if it had been a love marriage?
Your perspective is so only because it is an arranged marriage.There is a fine line of difference between the girl's parents giving and the guy's parents asking. That makes all the difference.
I'm not very sure what law is being broken here.
I would agree that there are young women who get married early without knowing/thinking about what marriage means in the context of their big picture life. But maybe, it is just is just a different way of thinking. The linear progression of life (be born, study, marry, reproduce, grow old, die) theory is probably hat they have been used to and what they follow. The style actually worked for people in the last generation, when not a single thought clouded their happiness. So as long as the girl is fine with it, I see no reason to complain. Personal choice.
As for parents' love being 'measured' in money, it is not like they dont love their children. If you ask them, this would be the highest expression of love for their children - making sure they have a financially secure future - which might be more than what they were used to in their youth.
Wow...I can totally identify with the girl who burst into tears at what she thought was unfair :)
But, I have come to realize that in some communities where the girl is not encouraged to hold down a day job, where is her sense of economic independence? That is where the FD in her name from her parents come in. Secondly, in more patriarchal societies, the wealth goes to the sons, and parents deep down in their hearts cannot/do not want to distinguish, and they look for ways and means to give some of their wealth to their daughters.
DO I agree with the points above? No. But, it is what I have gleaned after so many years of frayed nerves for things like this.
PS: First time here from SK's blog. I like your flow of thoughts.
Http://NourishNCherish.wordpress.com
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