As a kid, like every other kid, I dreamt of being a doctor. My parents were thrilled. Not like other parents who pushed their children towards academic excellence. My dad was thrilled that he could build a dream hospital for me. He loves building stuff :P Of course, the fact that I was a doctor would have made them proud too. I loved the idea of becoming a doctor thanks to the profession's noble nature. I loved the idea of me running day and night helping people. I still do. I force my dreams on my youngest sis who is studying medicine. The day she cribs about night duty, I remind her of the hundreds of women whose lives she could change with just basic courtesy from her. And by being paid for it. Yes, I'm rather selfish that way.
When I got married and cribbed, which has been the area on which my posts are all written about, I forgot to mention how I don't really dream for a CEO position. Or, to earn money. After all, I married a Post-Doctoral scholar with no money as an impulse decision. My dreams are not made of money, or clothes, shopping, a large house with a garden ( I do want to have it, but I don't care if I don't) or anything of that sort. I'm not aggressive about my career or anything in my life. So, like my dream of being a doctor, everything slowly fizzles out. I cried that I didn't have a job, but I never, once thought about what I really want to do. And soon enough, I did and realized that its not about a job, its about having something to do. So, today, when I struggle with papers and a grad student life, I rethought my life's priorities.
I'm in a long distance relationship and I'm not really enjoying that. But then, I know some people I love and know very well will point out, rather rationally, the results of this one year that I'm going to be away. However, they get it wrong. My worry with this course/this degree/grad student life is not about staying away from AB alone. Its more about the effort to be put in. I will be honest. I don't like putting in effort. I'm not a person who is lazy. I worked 24/7 for my college theater club. I enjoyed doing it. I didn't earn a pie. I wasn't exempted from exams. Nothing. It was just plain, simple joy. Now, as I go through papers after papers, all technical stuff, business stuff, things that people only dream of in one of the best schools with some of the most brilliant minds ( You should meet my classmates. They are positively awe-inspiring and they are all late 80s, early 90s kids. *shudder*) I wonder if this is what I wanted to do.
Today, I called AB tearfully and spoke of coming back. Leaving everything and coming back. Not for him. Really. I've thought about it all day instead of studying. And I realized its not because I miss him. I'm not that naive or that romantic, even. Its because I just don't fit in with these ambitions. With these dreams of making it big. That is not what I want. Not something I've ever wanted. Even in the worst times with financial trouble, I've not wanted more money. Or fame.
What is it I want then? This was a question AB asked me. Rather exasperatingly, if I may add here. I didn't think. I just knew it. I want a simple, random, clean, blah life. I will do by bit for this world by being environmentally conscious, making sure my kid(s) are conscientious citizens, see if I can contribute politically and live happily. I need a couple of books, food and people around me .That is all I want. I will dabble in Theater ( more seriously than ever before, this desire has come back) and write, cook, read. Blah. I want it like that. Boring. I want to get up every morning not thinking of a things to do list. I want to sleep every night not keeping an alarm thinking I may oversleep and may miss class/meeting.
No, I'm not saying I will not hold a job or will not follow basic rules for financial and life independence. Not at all. That is probably taking it to the other extreme. It also probably hurts more now because AB is moving back to India. The place I long for. I cry for India day and night. Literally. And now, I just feel left behind. I feel lost.
Many may say that I lack purpose. I think I lack purpose in the sense of being ambitious. Ambitious not just about career since that's a word usually associated with work/career. I lack ambition in life. And I think that's perfectly okay. I think its perfectly okay that I want to slack and do my thing. Which is not really anything. I want to have a regular job. Boring, albeit, something to keep me occupied, I want to be at home in India. I want to be among people. People I love, I hate ( keeps me going :P), doesn't matter!
So far, in my life, I've done everything impulsively. I chose to study in CIEFL as an impulse. Chose to get married to AB on an impulse. And I do excel at having fun with even decisions that have gone wrong. A lot of my impulsive decisions have swung the right way, thankfully. There have been some that didn't and I will be honest here, I don't regret it. I've just not thought again of how I could have been a doctor if I had decided to put in more effort. Surely, that was the only thing lacking in me that prevented me from being a doc. It doesn't matter! I've moved on to do better things. Actually, funner things.
Like I said, I spoke to AB about this. He told me to stick with grad school and do this because I'm smart and what not and blah. And that I should not let go off such opportunities. That's the cautious scientist, master at logic speaking. If I'd spoken to my parents, they'd have said: "Kanna, if this is making you unhappy even for a moment now, its not worth it. Come back if you feel like it." And Appa would have laughed at the money, the effort spent on this. Genetics is almost an exact science, trust me. I've learned it from experience. However, for a change, I'm going to listen to AB. I'm going to stick with this, against my impulse to run back to India and eat Pani Puri on the streets. I know I can do this. The ability was never in doubt. It was always the desire. Do I want to do this?
Some may even call me stupid. A feminist who isn't really one. Who said feminists have only one choice - that of working and furthering career? The course I've chosen to do here is rather high-profile. The founder of Foursquare apparently is an alum of my course here at SU. Cool. I don't want to be him. Or that girl who runs the Media campaign for some big shot company. I've never wanted to be her. Some may call me hippie. But I lack the courage or the conviction or the beliefs to be one. I do have a larger purpose in life. To be happy. To be passionate. To change things or the world around me. You can't call that a lesser calling than anything that involves money and career and a big bungalow and perfectly raised kids going to expensive schools. Or, will you?
11 comments:
hang in there di. it works. trust me. sometimes when you stick it out you discover your whole life changes. i remember someone who was SO disillusion with the bullshit that passed for academics at CIEFL she nearly quit after first sem. But byt sticking out she found she loves languages, especially soanish, and eaching them. AND she got to do some really cool stuff, like move to NY. plus, she met about half her closest friends there...
you never know.
if its getting you so bugged, then set aside your happy half hour. some half hour in the day you can so WHATEVER. or even hour. lie on the bed and stare at the ceiling. cook. NOT shower. it takes some time, but it really can help you get motivated to finish stuff cos then you have happy half hour!
ps...exactly WHAT are you doing in gradschool?
Hey N,
I was just joking in the previous post.
My heart really went out to you when you cribbed abt grad school earlier.
Anyway.
As AB says stick it out, you will never know you may end up loving it. I guess nobody knows what they want to do with their life.
The purpose in life is to be happy, may be be useful to others, thats it. what brings happiness differs. But of course another school of thought is, you should make a decision to be happy now. easier said than done indeed.
Also i love the way you write, you put into words beautifully your thoughts. :--) Do write more often.
:) *hug*
oooh, try the not showering idea! try it try it! :P I can vouch for it :D
also, the biting, billowing winds of the burgh brought an awesome alter ego my way. and that was during harsh, hallowing times.
ride the wave; you'll reach the shores safely. if you have trouble along the way, just doggypaddle and I'll reach there as soon as I can :)
Nandu, the key piece for me in this was "I know I can do this. The ability was never in doubt. It was always the desire. Do I want to do this?"
Initially you will question the why. The effort, esp to learn theoretical and maybe heavy stuff, will bug you. The younger students around you may give you a bit of a complex.
You've just started. Give it time! Quitting is easy, sticking with something is difficult. Once you get into the groove, there is a good chance you will enjoy it.
In any case, without possibly realising it now, you will learn a lot. Later in life, you will realise the value of what you are learning now.
So hang in there. You will have your ups and downs. Make friends there in class/campus. This is very imp (your friends in CIEFL made your life there fun, right?). The study itself will then be a breeze - especially since you know you have the ability, it was just a desire thing.
Am fully expecting that at the end of it, you will be missing your friends at SU. And you should. :-)
Ping me whenever you want to. As you know, I am usually online.
I can totally understand what you are going thro'. Hang in there. *hugs*
But something tells me you are going to have a blast.
-Anne eh-eh-ehhhh
A totally honest post ! Very beautifully written.
You seem to be the one that truly loves life !
Way to go...
Hey Nandu, I came back here yesterday to check if you were moving and what happened to your school...read this and am glad your at school...Stick on girl, take it as advice from someone (way) older, whose decisions in life are pretty much implusive too and the drive to do anything lasts for a really short while ! This is the time for it, even if you want to study later, there will be just too much happening in life to get back to school...a year will pass before you realise and you will not regret sticking on to this course..take care and all the very best...
We need to talk :)
I don't quite understand a lot of your decisions, your choices... frankly, I find some of them baffling and not entirely logical. But I do understand some of the 'desire' based stuff you brought up because I occasionally have these debates with myself too.
Anyway, call call call. Given how screwed up my own thought processes are, I know I won't be of help, but still...
I can relate to many things you state in this post. I won't sit to lecture you on what works and what doesnt in such situations, you know I'm just a ping away :P
I'm just waiting for the day, a year from now, when you'll ping to tell me that this whole grad year was worth your time and effort, and I'll go 'I told you so!!"
*Hugs*
@MinCat: Staying on :) I know what you mean, di. I totally do. And I love what I do. It just hurts sometimes.
@SK: Of course, I know! :) Thanks, SK! I'm going to stick it out. I do love it, like I said.
@Drag.on.fly.or.not: I'm coming soon
@Raja Mama: pinging :) I'm sticking to it. You know how much I enjoy it.
@AC: We spoke :) and I wrote to you. Your turn.
@Anne: Do I know you? :) And thanks!
@Anon: Thanks Anon. That was a much needed compliment.
@Arch: Sticking on babe. Can't wait to come back soon though!
You know what... I have a slightly similar battle going on in my head with being a mom and working.
But you know what I am making myself realise? There will always be things that we have to do that we dont want to. I keep looking back at life in college so fondly! But then there were days when I'd rant and curse at things that happened. I would wish I was working! I think the thing to remember is that we (people like u and me) tend to remember only the nice times. So... this too shall pass, and you shall remember only the nice times spent in grad school!
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