I just saw a TV show that I don't normally watch. I don't watch TV. For some reason, I watched this show on Sony TV 'Crime Patrol.' According to the premise of the show, the show recreates real life cases/incidents. Thanks to insomnia and because I was already sprawled in the middle of the couch, I decided to watch what it was all about. I thought I could live-tweet a hilarious 'san-sani' serial.
Today's case was that of abuse within marriage. So commonplace right? Darshan just went back to jail and all is well with my #outrage ridden Twitter world. This man marries this girl - arranged through matrimonial columns/sites. She meets him several times and then agrees to marry him. Her parents are educated, liberal and rich. They get married. Soon, he asks for a BMW in a very playful tone. She shrugs it off even with warning bells ringing in her head. Soon, his brother tries to molest her. She asks for help and she only receives a 'what's wrong with it?' answer. 6 years into marriage, she is a sex slave for his brothers, his business partners and he, himself abuses her with inhuman sexual activity every night. They are so confident that she won't talk about it that (I found it surprising) she is not locked up or forbidden to talk to anyone. So she talks to people - her family, her sister, her mother. The answer and the belief is that this happens. This happens in every marriage. These are marital conflicts. 'Bedroom ki baatein' as her sister puts it.
How many of us get abused within our homes, our bedrooms? How many of us are willing to talk about it? I remember this friend of mine who I'd forgotten until this show. She got married at 22, all starry eyed. The age isn't the matter here. She got married to someone she knew and fell head over heels in love with him. 2 years later, she wrote to me saying he was going mad or that she was afraid he was going mad and that he abuses her. She was in the US. I asked her to talk to her sisters. She said she did, and they said it will be okay. She wrote to me again. I asked her to come back home on the pretext of a vacation and never go back and take concrete steps. I invited her to stay with me until she sorted things out. She didn't respond. I forgot all about her until I moved to the US and tried living all alone, going mad in an empty house. I contacted her again. This time around, she was happy. Pregnant, perfectly in peace with her world. I didn't know what to make of it. I left it...
Now, as I sit in one corner of my couch, shaking, unable to move in sheer disgust and maybe, even fear, that girl's face flashed in my head. How many of us make such compromises? I thought back to my life. I'm married and it was a very traditional arranged marriage. How did I trust AB like that? How many of us do this and are not leading lives similar to mine?
I thought to myself how lucky I was to have AB as my husband. I go into the bedroom and he smiles and hugs me. He waits to talk to me every night. The conversation you have with your partner lying next to each other. I tweet, he talks. I read about all the problems in the world, he talks to me about his problems at work. I listen sometimes, I nod once in a while, all the time believing I got lucky with him.
He is not a special guy. He is a normal guy. A normal human being, doing what is expected of him. Why is it then that I'm considered so lucky? Even by my own admission, a lot of the times. Because he is doing the right thing? From when is doing the right thing to be applauded? He is not going above humanity to do something special, right?
Why are we always made to feel grateful for the 'good' things that happen to us? Even if it is our right?
Tonight, I'm on the couch. AB has to wait until I forget this episode like many others to talk about his annual review. I think he can and he should.
Today's case was that of abuse within marriage. So commonplace right? Darshan just went back to jail and all is well with my #outrage ridden Twitter world. This man marries this girl - arranged through matrimonial columns/sites. She meets him several times and then agrees to marry him. Her parents are educated, liberal and rich. They get married. Soon, he asks for a BMW in a very playful tone. She shrugs it off even with warning bells ringing in her head. Soon, his brother tries to molest her. She asks for help and she only receives a 'what's wrong with it?' answer. 6 years into marriage, she is a sex slave for his brothers, his business partners and he, himself abuses her with inhuman sexual activity every night. They are so confident that she won't talk about it that (I found it surprising) she is not locked up or forbidden to talk to anyone. So she talks to people - her family, her sister, her mother. The answer and the belief is that this happens. This happens in every marriage. These are marital conflicts. 'Bedroom ki baatein' as her sister puts it.
How many of us get abused within our homes, our bedrooms? How many of us are willing to talk about it? I remember this friend of mine who I'd forgotten until this show. She got married at 22, all starry eyed. The age isn't the matter here. She got married to someone she knew and fell head over heels in love with him. 2 years later, she wrote to me saying he was going mad or that she was afraid he was going mad and that he abuses her. She was in the US. I asked her to talk to her sisters. She said she did, and they said it will be okay. She wrote to me again. I asked her to come back home on the pretext of a vacation and never go back and take concrete steps. I invited her to stay with me until she sorted things out. She didn't respond. I forgot all about her until I moved to the US and tried living all alone, going mad in an empty house. I contacted her again. This time around, she was happy. Pregnant, perfectly in peace with her world. I didn't know what to make of it. I left it...
Now, as I sit in one corner of my couch, shaking, unable to move in sheer disgust and maybe, even fear, that girl's face flashed in my head. How many of us make such compromises? I thought back to my life. I'm married and it was a very traditional arranged marriage. How did I trust AB like that? How many of us do this and are not leading lives similar to mine?
I thought to myself how lucky I was to have AB as my husband. I go into the bedroom and he smiles and hugs me. He waits to talk to me every night. The conversation you have with your partner lying next to each other. I tweet, he talks. I read about all the problems in the world, he talks to me about his problems at work. I listen sometimes, I nod once in a while, all the time believing I got lucky with him.
He is not a special guy. He is a normal guy. A normal human being, doing what is expected of him. Why is it then that I'm considered so lucky? Even by my own admission, a lot of the times. Because he is doing the right thing? From when is doing the right thing to be applauded? He is not going above humanity to do something special, right?
Why are we always made to feel grateful for the 'good' things that happen to us? Even if it is our right?
Tonight, I'm on the couch. AB has to wait until I forget this episode like many others to talk about his annual review. I think he can and he should.
9 comments:
Well written, and yes, the questions are right too.
I go through the same set of emotions too. I guess, we have been brought up to thank God for every good that happens to us.
While thats good, I guess that also means that we've been brought up to believe that we are not that good, and dont deserve good, and hence should thank God :)
No answers here, just some understanding head-nodding and some cribbing... :)
hmm..
He talks. That's a good sign. :-)
Spoken about this a tonne yes, but I think that many times women (or men) have the choice to quit an abusive marriage, but they choose not to. Maybe because they fear living alone, or the reaction of society, their own families. The case I can really think of is Darshan's. Even now, rather than giving him a divorce his wife's gotten all of his property and what not. What good does that serve?
I think feeling grateful for 'good' things is one way of staying humble in life. I agree with your point, but #justsaying :)
So very true. So very scary. It is terrifying how it is considered something that women should take in their stride. But even in situations where it's not seen as normal, the supposed 'support structures' for the girl that she should be able to take for granted will also hush-hush it because of the shame factor. In such cases, no wonder it is that so many people that it happens to stay paralyzed, unable to do anything about it, because the ones they would run to, shun them too. And abusive relationships are very complicated because as a mode of survival itself, they learn to be silent and cope. If it was as simple as leaving their partner there wouldn't be so many women who continue to stay in abusive relationships. Very, very hard. All grey and no answers.
But yes, I'm feeling very lucky indeed.
what is teh procedure to report an abusive wife?
Wonderfully written!
We're all seeing more and more unhappy and abusive marriages around us. But very few them even want to do something about it for the fear of hurting parents who've already "done" a lot for them.
There are times when I look at R and feel thankful not because he's too good for me but just thankful for the fact that life turned out the way it did! Like R says, neither of us lost a bet and decided to get married and being happy is the only way to be.
I like!!
had a friends sister go through something like this. both well educated. both met via arranged marriage, engaged for awhile, got along really well. excellent communication (or so she said).
and then she went to the U.S where he was, developed a lot of issues with the marriage and a lot of other things and lost her old happy self, etc. she came back to india (they both did, actually) and i was shocked to see her!! she was morbidly obese, depressed, severe dark circles. she was worse off than what she had been before she went there with him. i mean, i heard there were some issues in the marriage compounded by adjusting to new culture, etc but i just left it as she would say they wer always "working things out" now i feel i should have been there more...but how can i interfere in my friends sister's life esp when my friend herself was unwilling to..? anyway she is back and doing okay so i guess all is okay now.
I was very encouraged to find this site. I wanted to thank you for this special read. I definitely savored every little bit of it.
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