Hmm...

So, yes, its been ages since I wrote. I'm writing again, all fired-up this Christmas :) My last post was on January 21, 2007. This one comes a month ahead. Another year ends. 2007 has been an eventful year. I had a bad time at my job, did badly, marriage pressure got to me at one point, fought with my family everyday, for me, for my ego, for my independence. For everything. I had a good time too! I was in the US for the first 3 months for work, and totally enjoyed my time there, work and otherwise. Oh, the picture is from there, when I skydove from the picturesque Monterey Bay. Never before have I had such an experience, never after ( unless of course, I do it again :)) So, why am I blogging all of a sudden again?

Oh, I dunno what happened today. I woke up and saw myself and thought I was ugly. I was fat ( no, its okay AB, that is the truth) So, I decided that I will end this, and the battle of the bulge begins starting tomorrow. Yes, I know I've decided this umpteen number of times. Everytime, I come up with an elaborate plan to lose weight which includes dietary changes and loads of exercise. Oh ya, I believe in fictional planning :P Folks, this time it is for real, believe it or not! I am going to do lots of exercise, eat less of the junk food. So here's to more tea, less sugar, more boiled veggies, less samosas, more movement, less sedentary activity(!).

Oh, you ask what happened all of a sudden this Christmas. Hmm....I think my impending marriage is the cause. Oh, did I forget to mention that in the first paragraph, as the most significant reason for an eventful 2007? :P Yes, I am hitched. Finally (my mom's words, these). Am I happy? Oh yes, I think I'm relieved ;) and getting happier by the moment. But, yes, I am not going to say: I'm scared. Isn't that a given?

I remember when I was a kid, and used to get alarmed by cockroaches, and lizards and rats (Oh, we had loads of them!) and animals in general, my dad said to me once, that these animals were as scared of me as I was, of them. That lesson kinda hit the nail. This was a long long time ago, because I do not remember the last time I was scared of any animal (Okay, you get the picture, don't you?) I am looking at the marriage like that. So, both AB and I are getting married for the first time :P
- going to live with someone we'd like to believe we know very well, (thanks to those expensive phone calls, and the numerous chats) but don't
- going to change in front of the opposite sex for the first time (My theatre club experience has to be discounted here, please!)
- going to cook (sigh) FOR, not with someone for the first time
- going to clean after someone (I have to clean after myself ALL the time) for the first time
- going to have to love someone 'naturally' ( oh, oh, didn't I tell you this is an arranged do?)
- going to NOT fight for every single thing for the first time
- going to have to start comparing dad/mom for the first time (Hope he does not do it ;)) while al the while not wanting anyone like my dad :)
- going to think of baby-making for the first time (and maybe the second and the last time, hopefully)
- going to have to think of 'saving' for that 'apna ghar' or 'hamare baacha(e), hamari duniya' dream
- going to do everything WITH someone
- going to tell someone you are going out before reminding yourself not to go out banging that door
- going to think of a believable excuse to skip dinner and make the other person skip dinner too
- going to think of....

Yes, I need to start thinking of everything now. Ya, that was the point I was trying to make, really.

Hmm...it is also extremely sad that I have to leave Google. Its been great. Okay, in terms of work, but great in terms of friends and life. I've had the most fun at this company, my first job, my everything for the last two and a half years. I'm not sure I will ever stop loving Google, ever stop loving everything about it, ever stop being proud about it. Sigh. AB says I sigh a lot. Yes, I do. I like sighing, gives a lot of room for different emotions in one word, one expression. So, sigh.

I'm thinking of all the small things that defined my life in the last 4 years that I lived independently, without family, all images, some blurry, some vivid - alarm clock, just one bed, Maggi noodles, coffee, endless chai, the radio room, Asmita, Anu and Priya who came along with it, the LH bathrooms :), Ritu's phone conversations early in the morning, the rickety computer and Gaai's assignments, the agarbathis which burned and Gaai and Anu discovered that parallel lines do meet, Gaai on top of Anu massaging her, the near 'perfect' Deepti :), the number of Gods on Sowmya's desk, the 'Mallu girls' rooms :), Manj's ability to get up early morning, rain or shine, her Srilankan accent, Garima and Pooja's room light burning until Rajiv Krishnan's class at 8, Medini's antics with Garima and Gits' Hindi, Samata and Hathi and the grin that HAS to come along with it, her hair, her quest for a parlor to get her eyebrows done on the first day in CIEFL, Sohini being herself :), Anwesha's obession with cleanliness, the French girls, the strike, the 'do not dare dismiss us again,' the casteism, the mess, the steps outside the mess, Ayush's egg-eating ability, Sagar stores, my letters to Amma, Priya being called Priyaeeeee by Anu, Shefali with that grin :), the rains and the dance that accompanied it, the chai, Sattiah and Krishna in the mess, Bhaveen, Shahir in the mess, Souro with his camera, Saurabh with the bag and the bottle, Oren sitting on Elika's bed when I confessed that Saurabh's voice was 'good,' the 'very very clean and decorated' North East girls' room, Kilang's Hindi, the auto story - when an auto guy gave a Kilang a ride to the Ladies' Hostel without knowing the distance, the everyday Naga girls' auto fight, Kay and her scooty, Gaai's bath ritual, her braces, Deepti's cheap but amazing pyjamas, Vrinda's eloquent silences and that toothy grin once in a while, Deepti's hardwork, Yukti and Prasenjit, Priya and the fruits, the new Naga girls who took a bath every 2 hours, Monamma, Swaroopa amma, Rashmi and her dance practice, Sree's voice inviting us to her room, noise of her Scooty, Ruth and her ruthlessness on the cricket field, Holi, Ruth's recruitment drive in the LH for the Sports Day, Nirmala and her quiet defiance at the GB, oh, the GBs, the mess secretaryship, Nijil, the Men's hostel and lithe men playing volleyball :), the lungis, the different types of pyjamas, Saurabh Mishra and the first chair, Sushant, Mudit for his hair, for being my husband :), for singing 'Nandu re nandu,' the proverbial new building, the mangoes Shahir stole, Geeta ma'am's house, the MH warden :), the Hostel Office, the dogs, Sundari, the Xerox Shop, the woman at the bank, the numerous walks in the night, ITP women and their 'short' shorts, Immanuel in his shorts at the football tournament, Hany Babu :), or, was it Madhavan?, Priyankoo, Ashtu and Jobin at the WUGS meet, Amrit's interesting but terrifying class, her walk from her home to her office, Dominic Savio and his class, troubling Souro and Saurabh in some classes, the alu bhindi at the mess, Liji, Angshu and her cricketing skills, Sajida's impressive gait, James and Partha, chocolate milk at Sagar's, buttermilk rediscovered at Sagar's, the quiet library where I always fell, that short librarian who always helped me up, but only after the books :), the hardworking Ananya, Aniela and Supriti, like elves during Christmas, Triansha, the brilliant, beautiful actress, Premankur, the plays, Ameya :) and her junk jewellery and the fact that she could carry off anything and get away with anything, the 12 AM surprise birthdays, being an upper class, Tam Bram bitch, One Fine Day in the LH TV lounge, shared stories, the phone ringing in the LH, the TT tables at the MH, the rush for food on the last day of the month at the Mess, the 'walrus' in the Dean's office, the Dean(s), Deepa's special mango pickle made by her grandmom, Wendy's mother's tomato pickle, the beautiful and mysterious looking Achen, Manisha Kaw, Bindu and her baby, Prajna and her life-saving Upma, MindSpeed on campus, LCS assignments, Satish Poduval, Madhava Prasad, Vijay Sai and his antics, Ritu, Lalita and Divya, the French students, the fight for the rooms, the Iftaar, the Durga Puja trip around the city with the Bongs, Onam on campus, Gaai on the guitar with the rest of us trying to sing, "all my bags are packed..., " or the java song :), Deepa and her Mallu song, no power = Sitaphalbandi performance on the corridors, Pal, yaaron, the farewell, Sandesh and the Blue Cross, eating fruits in Sree's room with the gang, the gang at Bhaveen's house, Brotin and his effusive praises combined with generosity, Garima and Medini's shopping conquests and Gits' patient participation in their adventures, the Nampally fair, Shilparamam trips, the MMTS, Shanshai, Narula's, Sanman, Pick N Move, weekend trips to Mala Periamma's house for Vettai Kuzhambu, Nanking, Gautama, borrowed Mills and Boon read aloud with appropriate expression :), the cane chairs outside the rooms, packing to go home, coming back with Gulab Jamoons, new clothes, the Film Club, the Football Club, midnight chai and bread omelette, Pranesh's room, flirting with Pranesh and Pradeep, constant cigarette smoke hovering around us, my farewell at the railway station....

.....first day in the cab with Rohit and Avneet, the guest house, Breakfast in Yukti's house, Priya getting stuck in the bathroom on the first day, being ready at 6.45 thanks to Mom's phone call with a warning about raahu kaalam, meeting Charmaine, Amit, Nishant, Arjun at the guest house. Trying not to laugh at Thomas, thinking quickly of a car I'd want to be (I had NO idea), work, free internet, food, phone, breaks, the idea of financial independence, PAN card, Access card, free porn, people, Charmaine's pink desk, Arjun tapping his keyboard to death, calm and confident Vichitra, Aswathi's cherubic cheerfulness, the CIEFL gang, anticipating Eli's arrival and boasting about her singing abilities, the breakout area, Amitabh with the guitar, the TAs, Sunny running to answer questions, seeing Sachin bend over to answer a question, Vinay's staccato response, Divya looking all TA-ish, Jogi being Jogi, Chris :) , TGIF, my stupid non-known fact, Nicolette wishing me a happy bday on June 20, Heather and the 1:1, crushes, waiting for Gaai and boasting about how much better she was, compared to Amitabh on the guitar, making sure everyone has heard the 'all my bags are packed' song making sure everyone knows CIEFL, making sure everyone knows all the CIEFLites who joined Google, Gaai's arrival, Swayambhu, Nikhil Menon's taunts every time I passed the breakout area, Antara's face when she saw Nikhil who was her buddy, Antara's face after she met Nikhil, Sujasha and Bhavani, Soumyajit, Nishant going to comb his hair every 10 minutes, the cab conversations, the cab drivers, Disha in the cab, the family offsite, the team dinner at Koyla and the amazing blue-berry cheese cake, the excitement of having a buddy, excitement ebbing away as I waited in hunger for Ark to finish his smoke, excitement totally gone to find Ark, not as excited as me. Teaching him some stuff, learning more stuff from him, Ashanka, Supriya, Andy and his cocksure attitude, waiting for Sumodh and shocked to see him all grown up, very different from the Deepa's 'my kid bro' pic in CIEFL, embarassed to have forgotten (not bothering to find out) Ark's bday when Roy seemed to have remembered it, saying no to being Gaai's roomie, having Gaai over for a day or so, shifting in with Eli, the new house, the walk to Lifestyle, the weekly shopping, budgeting, early cabs, Direct ads, forming Team Jazz, Neel Mehta, 20 of us, Rahila and Andy fighting, ArK, Suhel and Sumodh eating :), Manju, Rohini, Leena, Nishu, Megha, Kavita, Preeti and her farewell emails, the offsite at Pragati, the work, the fun ,the pizza, more Jazz and more and more of everyone nad everything, meeting Vaishali for the first time at the coffee machine, sitting next to her and becoming best friends with her, Tanushree and Protima, planning stuff with Sheetal, new building, new people, Neel Mehta, Arjun continuing to work harder than ever before, Nishu's TA shifts, my TA shifts, Shiraz, more Jazz offsites, the momentous last Jazz offsite for ArK, Andy, Sumodh, Manju, Kavita and others who moved on, crying uncontrollably that night, conversations with Kavita, Rahila and Andy fighting, her air slaps, the ghost pic :), Team Jazz, English classes with Nitin, fun, training with Kalpana again, Chikungunya, emails, rediscovering Vichitra and Vaishali, Nishu, more people leaving Jazz, ArK talking about Delhi, Nishu's Ambassadorship, Arjun's Ambassadorship, learning about Disha and Sid, Charm :), Gaai's leaving, Manju's leaving, my Ambassadorship, loss of passport, ArK's status message, Nishu's note, the poster my team made, the yells when my name was announced, the standing ovation Jazz gave, Neel's hug, Vaish and Vichi's screams, the call to my mom, writing to CIEFLites about it, fighting for passport, the passport office, the struggle, the triumph, Rajiv Rana, the hiring trips - notably to Shillong and Amritsar, the extra day with Sid and Disha, watching Rajiv dance for a minute for 'the dancing queen,' the gossip session in Amritsar, the Golden Temple, the Wagah border, the patriotism that came along with it, the food :), Parul, Shwe :), imitating Shwe, Veera and that cab ride, her practical no-nonsense advice, Supriya, Darshini, Kiran during the play and at the GSOC, Anupam :), the Sunday coffee and gossip sessions with Charm and Shwe and the grinning James, the deli 9 conversations with Maha, lunches with Vaish and Vichi ( who deserve a different, long post altogether), thinking Ruksha had a kid, ranting about GGN, Neel leaving, Neel leaving again, the US trip, Rohit, Tinwin, Pete, Betsy, Sherry, Amit, Sandhya, the pink and green Elizabeth :), Will, Sarah, Rita, Danny, the dogs, Charlies', the Mexican food at Charlies, the Ski Trip, the Saravana Bhavan, the chaat we ate, the skydiving, the LA trip with Swati and Uma, Ariel, the East Coast trip, staying with Deepti, Eithiopian food with Ameya, my birthday in the US, staying with Sujju, and her amazing kids: Vaibhav and Divya, the Yosemite, Monterey trips with Mrin, Shaheen, Rubin, Disha, Prem, Ashok, Megha, Indy, Vaish...Prem and me wading into the water at Yosemite, the cabin tents, the bear stories, the cold, the stories, the drive to the concert for Disha, kayaking, the constant drive to figure out skydiving, watching that super fit woman at the skydiving center, the amazing sales conference, seeing Rajiv at the US office, receiving all the India visitors, seeing ArK, Suhel and Sumodh after a long time, the Hilton, my room mate, Claire Hatton, the cabs, the cab driver and his number -650 930 0001, the alcohol, the dal chaawal at the Indian diner opposite Hilton, watching ArK make coffee, watching Disha run to get water for ArK while he chomped on Chicken Biryani, the barefoot walking, bringing ice from the hotel corridor ice boxes :), discussing life with Disha, ArK and Anu, talking to Rajiv about Jazz, coming back, customs, cameras, Jazz again, cab rides with Jeena, Nisha and her enthusiasm, Varun, Khalid becoming a trainer, Sasi and his takes on life, Kalyan and his jokes, Maya and the Shania Twain song, Google Beat, Suhel and his antics, lazy weekends, the Jazz team meetings, Anomita and Hepsiba, Rajesh, Srinidhi and his laziness, Raina, Protima and Radhika, Deep's questions, Lalita, Nishi and Sabina, Nousheen's walk, ArK getting into the Quality Team, conversations with Seva, the Google Grants VCs, looking up to Ben, literally :), the hug coupon at Adu's desk, Adu, Tiq and Adu together, Gaai's joy when she found the Google logo with frogs at her new desk in the new building, the whole packing and moving out of RMZ, the interviews of young campus students, pride of being a Googler in campuses, the pride of a noogler being your campus hire, buddying nooglers, Lakshmi Ashok, the intern, Manasa Harikar, who brought back the enthusiasm of buddying all over again, Shaheen and my conversations with her, writing emails to Team Jazz, the around the table crib session with Dinesh, the red shoes, those Jazz status messages :), Nikita, Leena and I in that Jazz corner, Shivangi, the Ambassador seat :P, those email challenges, the chat experience, a thank you email, the VC for Neel's going away, Nishu, Nishu's calls and hugs, the innumerable conversations with Shwe over coffee at the cafe, Parul and her practicality, hugging Parul and breaking down once, ArK's hugs, Jessie :), Shiksha and the Bangalore hiring trip, Geeta and the Cuttack hiring trip, Rupa and Deeksha at GOAL, Nishu at GOAL, midnight conversations on the phone, Sheetal and her clinical hatred for junk food, the rock the tier sessions, Ruksha's walk, Uma's hair flying while she walks, cab rides with Kalpana, Sada and Govind, the GoDecon, Shriya and her earnestness, Udaya and her hair, every single Jazz dinner and offsite, the Jazz jackets :), Parvathi Menon and the Phenomenon Woman, Guru and 'howchuchu', Nitin and everything that comes along with him, new people, talking, listening, crying, laughing, Quality reviews, Rajiv leaving, Vinay taking over, Nikita coming back, Rajiv's call when he heard about my engagement, Rajiv's note about me not telling him, ISOC - dancing with all Jazzers last time, and this time with the gang, that all of us grinning picture, the volunteering, the 12 from Srinivasa Towers, the campus recruits in Jazz, the Tamil gang, Jazz again, the trips to GGN, the conversations, CTC, Chikki's house, his cute roomies, ArK's room, his photo wall, MJ, a drunk ArK and Nikhil being sentimental, moving out of Jazz to Raaga and the teething troubles, the 'stuffed' Dhola Ri Dhani offsite, some people being the same, chatting with Gaai, telling Deepti everything, Oren driving Nat and me around, moving to Sapphire, Kilang, shopping sprees, Elika, Anand at Sapphire, the parties at Sapphire, my messy room, the Sundays and Saturdays, moving out of Sapphire, moving to Priya, the cleaning, Maha, Wati's nagging :), Asela's constant chatter, the TV, the cooking, the cleaning, the stolen free internet, Kvulo's laughter, the beautiful Ase and Hewasa, the wine, staying with Vichi in her house, moving to Anand's house, Gapa, Wati fighting with Anand, the money coming and going, the lift, Bamini Pati's food, writing this which brings tears to my eyes...

I could go on, I guess. Life has changed a lot, and is still changing, as I write this meanderingly long post.

Over the 4 independently lived years, I have become more patient, more romantic, learned to give more, sigh more, love and live more :), become more fierce about my values and priniciples, become stronger, become more emotional, cry more openly, laugh without a care, live for the moment, be more responsible, fight more, for myself and for others, appreciate the idea of family more, think beyond family more, its all been on 'more' side.

I'm heading out in a month, back to family, back to putting on a bindi everyday, back to keeping that dupatta in the right place, back to small time fights, back to more love, back to more responsibility, back in many ways to more independence, back to my dad who has given me so much strength, all silently, to my mom, who has given me so much love and strength, not so silently :) , back to my sisters, who taught me how to share (I know this is slightly sentimental, but believe me, it all started with chocolates, now it has grown on to sharing space with somoene I have known for 2 and a half months), back to home :) I have problems with and at home, but in many ways, it is still home, and I know I'm going to miss those small things, be it opening the gate, or bringing the flowers from the outside gate and keep it in the fridge or watching my granny point out to all those lights burning in her bid to save some energy, and her son's money :) and am going back now for all those small things. I know am going to start fighting all over again in a week's time, start looking at modes of escape all over again...into the future that promises love, some more fights, some more responsibilities and more.

But this time, I do not have anywhere to run but have to get married and go away. I wait patiently for what I need to do. Later, I will do what I want to do. Do I need to say more? :)