Resolutions!

I love making resolutions. Until last year, I used to forget about them through the year. However, in 2010, I'm took them seriously. Probably, the biggest crisis in my life helped me think of having goals to work towards. (Yay, Happiness Project, I can think like you!) However, every other person I talk to about resolutions pooh-poohs them. "Ha! I don't keep resolutions. Who does?", "I'm not someone who believes in resolutions." "I take things as they come and do them as they come. I can't be restricted with resolutions." Of course, we are rather different, so bear with me. I love keeping resolutions. I'm rather result-oriented and too big a list-lover not to keep resolutions. And yes, I do want to do a lot of things and it helps put my desires, dreams and ambitions in perspective. So, if you're not 'into resolutions,' good for you.

Here are mine from 2010. I'm going to do a review of all that I've achieved in 2010 and will have a list for 2011 too.

2010's resolutions:

1. Eat more consciously - I did try to eat consciously. While I couldn't eat locally and seasonally owing to my grad student status, I tried eating healthily. In fact, this year has 'consciously' been a mix of both 'extremely healthy' and 'extremely unhealthy.'

2. Grow plants - Ha! No.

3. Exercise 5 days a week - Best of 'em all. I did do this for about 2 months this year and loved it. This year, I spent the beginning of the year in India and then came back, packed things to move to Syracuse, went back to India for visa issues, came back, moved to Syracuse and then started gymming and then it snowed. And life stopped. I'm hoping 2011 is going to see the complete achievement of this resolution

4. Join the local library and read at least 2 books per month- Nada!

5. Swimming - Who swims in India on a vacation? Who swims on a flight? Who swims when it is

-10C? Who swims when you have HTML and accounting to study? Who swims when there is food nearby all the time?

6. Maintain a diary/journal - No. And I don't want to, either. Blah.

7. Revamp food blog and be regular on it - Sigh. Pushed to 2011

8. Cake decorating classes - Figured this won't go with my constant resolution to lose weight.

9. Learn HTML - YES. YES. And learned it and swallowed it and got an 'A.' :D

10. Volunteer - No :|

11. Photography - No

12. Get completely healthy by the end of 2010 - Certainly tried and worked for a little while too. Got a long way to go.

13. Berkeley's creative writing program- Priorities and dreams have changed, so shelved.

14. Make a conscious effort to watch sports - No reason to do so this year :P

15. Get license done - Done and expired :P

16. Learn a new language - Does 'networking' count? No? No, then.

17. Learn Tamil - Umm, ya. No.

18. If no admit, rewrite GRE - *imagine me fist-pumping and yelling* I got all the admits :D with aid, mostly. And I'm doing rather well ( Yes, I'm immodest. Thanks for noticing), so YES!

Resolutions for 2011 :D

1. Gym everyday - I did try gymming everyday in 2010 and it worked partly and I enjoyed it a lot. I want to continue that in 2011 and be better at it. The only issue is about wearing 20 layers, going to the gym, removing 18 layers and running and putting 20 layers on again and going back home. But it shall be done.

2. Run - I love running, I realized. I love running with the wind in my hair. I ran a lot this year and I was happy when I ran. I'm going to restart running, if not outside, at least on the treadmill to keep me going until summer returns.

3. Don't eat out unless it is team event or something - This was my resolution as a grad student in order to save money and not fall in the piling on pounds category. However, I failed thanks to academic stress and ate out and ate bad food owing to finances sometimes in 2010. I aim to correct that. I was very good during the Summer semester, I'm planning to redo this, this year, at least when I'm in the US.

4. No sugar or processed foods. No white rice - Again, this was my motto in summer and it worked beautifully. I cooked food everyday and ate good, healthy food. I lost it during the end of the Fall semester. I want to get back onto the wagon. So, no sugar at home or outside.

5. Cook everyday - Goes with 3 and 4, I guess

6. Lose weight - yes, this is on everyone's list. And on mine too. And I want to be able to remove this after this year. Let's see. I'm part of a Facebook group with friends to be more accountable. So, here we go again!

7. Meditation - While this is not going to be religious per se, I want to sit down, be calm and close my eyes and not think of ANYTHING for a couple of minutes everyday. I was talking to my favorite professor and he said to me that I wasn't quiet in my head. And how true, that statement is. Plus AB noticing my forever panic-stricken face on Skype wants me to try this out. So, I'm going to try hard to not think of anything and be quiet for a couple of mins everyday. Yes, you may laugh, but I will have the last laugh at the end of 2011 :)

8. God - My relationship with God is very strange. I've never been religious. I thought my family was religious, but after meeting AB's family, I take that statement back. Considering I'm going back to India, I'm not going to escape from religion and God. At this point in time, I'm looking at God and prayer to bring some discipline back in life. It is still not about any one God or asking for favours. I want to try this out and not be brash about my relationship with God. I want to be more disciplined and think things through and I think this little exercise of praying everyday should help. What I pray for is anyone's guess.

9. Food blog- I realize I love the food blog more than I thought I did. I've come to love cooking and baking and cooking with AB more than anything else today. So, 2011 is going to see the food blog being resurrected and hopefully, it shall be all healthy and will make a difference to our lives.

10. Read at least one book every 2 weeks - This may not be possible in the next 6 months since I'm in the US and the chances of me buying a book and reading it is zilch. However, this is a long term goal for me. I was an avid reader and now that seems to have vanished. Not even blogs anymore, sadly. I want to get back to reading. Blogs, magazines, books. I want to have this library full of books. I'm going to get back with a vengeance.

11. Driving in India - The aim is to get back ASAP. I give myself 2 months time (after I return in July/August) to go driving to meet my in-laws in Chennai in the car.

12. Have a balcony garden - Not giving up on this one. I want to be able to grow some herbs, some veggies for my everyday meals.

13. Medical check-up- I turn 28 this year. I'm no fool to think I'm going to be able to hop, skip and jump every minute going forward. I promise to be more careful about my health and go for an annual medical checkup- pap smear and breast examinations included from 2011 onwards. I also want to make sure I tag my mother-in-law and mom along. We all need to and I believe in it strongly.

14. Use public transport as much as possible - AB already uses only public transport in Bangalore. I want to be able to do that as well. That said, he doesn't have a car yet, so he is using public transport. I want to see if we can use public transport in spite of having a car. Bangalore Metro, work for me!

15. Get my address changed on my passport - We know what a task this is in India. This is my first test to keep my cool and accept India for what it is and not bribe and still get the job done. I've done this in the past and I love my country way too much to give up on something like this. And hey, I love challenges like this :D In fact, am looking forward to exchanging some words with the Passport Office.

16. Make some progress towards getting back to Theater- I don't know how and when. I want to start watching and start working in Theater. Ideally, working in English Theater, but I will take what comes my way for now.

17. Janaagraha/Lok Satta - My dream job is to be a politician. I'm going to try to be more active locally. I've worked for Janaagraha in the past as a random volunteer. I want to do this more seriously this time and possibly even consider Lok Satta ( not sure about this, yet)

18. Swimming and scuba diving - My cousin is a certified scuba diver. His pictures make me want to try scuba diving. I'm hoping it will happen this year.

19. Travel at least once a month to Chennai and once in 2 months to elsewhere - I want to travel within India. A long term dream is to have a culinary journey across the country. But for now, I have 2 aims. One, visit my in-laws every month. I'm moving back to India to be with family and I want to be there for my in laws. Two, travel to other places that are not Chennai ;) at least once in 2 months - with or without AB

20. Try to attend most functions in both the houses - I know this is very 'maami' like. But the truth is I've seen my parents do this. They've tried to be there for everyone. And the warmth I've experienced being my parents' daughter is wonderful. I want to do that for my kid(s) and plus, I want to be there among my people. I also don't know AB's family that well and I aim to rectify starting this year.

21. Save at least Rs 5000 per month personally - I don't know what job I will have and don't know what salary I will get. But at this point in time, I want to save at least this amount every month as a nest egg. For future travels or for when AB decides to beat me up and then I can leave him with this money no? :D

22. Learn to wear a sari and 'madisaar.' - Sadly, I don't know how to tie a sari well. I can just about drape it around me to be decent :P Madisaar is another story. I don't know where it begins and where it ends. I want to learn to tie both these types of saris confidently.

23. Take up yoga seriously - I've done Yoga in the past and have loved it. For all my roly-polyness, I'm extremely flexible. I want to give it a try again.

24. In India, I want to eat out, but I want to limit it to eating out once in a month, initially and then maybe, once in 2 months.

25. Watch good cinema - I no longer watch cinema, let alone good cinema. I'm hoping I can catch up this year.

26. Panic and worry less - Yes. I need this more than anything else. From being a totally reckless person, I've become a control freak and I hate that.

27. Have a girls' weekend out at least once every 6 months- This is a joint resolution with my girl friends :) You know who you are. We should make this happen.

28. Do less social networking. Maximum 3 hours a day- unless my job demands it ;)

29. Have a grand Golu - I'm turning out to be such a 'maami.' But I love Golu and the idea of keeping Golu. I want AB and me to have a grand golu with the sundal-sharing. But I promise not to pressurize young girls to sing :|

30. Send home-made goodies for Diwali to a couple of friends.

31. Keep a budget and accounts for every month.

32. Drink at least 10 glasses of water a day - I hardly drink water. And this is an attempt to drink more water

That is a list! :D These things are very do-able and are hardly lofty goals. Some of these ideas are already in motion and hopefully, I will report at the end of 2011 with more success than I had in 2010.

MBA = Maha Bullshitting Associates

I'm sorry if any of you are MBAs or MBA grads. A large portion of my family (the family that I love a lot) are MBAs, all the managers I worked under back when I had a job and who I loved are all MBAs. But, but no one seems to get on my nerves more than an MBA aspirant nowadays.

I'm taking some courses which I share with the MBA students. And that is the worst thing ever. One, they are smug as a pug in class. I'm blessed with the unique talent of reading people's faces and assessing them when they speak. Yes, I judge. Handle it. So these kids are smug, arrogant to the hilt, all-knowing and if it's an Indian MBA student, add painful to the list of the rather impressive adjectives.

1. In class, the moment the Professor pauses, the MBA students *have* to talk. I sorta understand this because I like to talk in class. I can't sleep without making a point in class. One of the reasons why I can't go without reading to class because I get bored. But, but, when I talk, there is a point to be made. I don't say random bullshit. I've noticed that MBAs can bullshit their way through and in this category - no one beats an Indian MBA student who like to do the same more so because there are other Indian students who are not MBA students in class a.k.a me. *snigger* There is this girl in class who sits right opposite me who I feel like slapping in every class. Her statements always begin with an urgency. "Professor X, do you think this works that way?" *quick look at our side- the non MBA side - snigger, and snigger at me specifically* and turn back to listen to him and nod aggressively. Eff you, dear girl. I think your English is so bad that this Professor may not understand your answers and lower your grade, while I can bullshit rather well in English in exams. That is how I sit opposite you watching you make eyes at me.

2. In seminars - you know, the active types? Always doing stuff, running up and down the auditorium? In Chennai, they are called enthu-cutlets or pataanis. I was that. Though, of course, I never sucked up. I loved, loved participating and doing stuff in school and college but never behaved like I needed better grades. Because I got them anyway. Thank you.

So, we had this seminar (the most boring ever with a girl next to me eating pasta with stinky cheese- the smell was like puke. Ugh!) before which we had an equally boring Q&A session with the speaker. Yours truly was one of the few to be selected for this Q&A. Nothing to be proud of, in this case, unfortunately. This Indian girl, with this huge grey sweater and large hoops (prompting my classmate to say she looked like a whore - I don't know the cultural context, tbh) who I've been with in other seminars sat close to the speaker. Offered him water 5 times in the half hour Q&A session. Okay, make that 2 times. Smiled at him. Had the most stupid questions EVER. And really, I think every question is unique usually but this was just something else. Then, we went to the seminar in the auditorium where this girl ran around with the mike when one didn't need one. Again, rather stupid questions were asked, but well, I'm used to it now. She kept running around giving the speaker water, with the mike to all the participants. Really? Why this posturing? Because you are brown? Or, have you always been like this?

3. Same Q&A. This Guy was rather presumptuous and arrogant with his questions and interactions with the speaker and gave a 100 page resume instead of just introducing himself in the initial introduction rounds. So, after this session, there were cookies and water offered. Now, as a self respecting Indian student and a dessert lover and as a person who'd slogged the last 15 hours on assignments and readings, I went to pick up a cookie. My Canadian classmate and my American classmate walked with me. Just as we were taking a cookie, I mentioned how hungry I was to which my Canadian classmate said in jest that we shouldn't be too greedy because we were guests there ( this is not our School/Dept, thankfully). Before I responded with a wisecrack, the Guy who was behind us to pick up his cookie said: "So you've come for free food eh?" I turned and smiled politely and said, "it was a joke." He looks at me and continues in the same presumptuous tone for which I could have kicked him in the wrong place,

Guy: "Oh well, we have to be careful nowadays."

Me (least interested): *polite smile*

(Canadian classmate wants to run. I don't blame him.)

Guy: "So yesterday, we had this seminar and there was food available. We suddenly found that there were a couple of homeless people there who'd come just for the free food! *looks at me* Here we were, trying to make an impression on a possible recruiter and these badly dressed people stood there waiting for the food. I hated it man. I was so mad."

Me: "Well, we are from 'Y' School. We were invited for this session, you know" *sarcastic smile*

Guy: "Of course, I mean. Look at you, dressed up. I didn't mean you. I was just talking generally."

Yes dodo, for a person without a roof over his head, that homeless guy'd certainly want to wear a 3 piece suit to get free food and look desperate in front of a recruiter. And of course, you were talking generally when I went to pick up that cookie. May you not get the job of your dreams. May you get back to the Animal Husbandry Dept that you worked in before you got into B-School. I think pigs suit you.

To all of you reading this, of course, I took one each of ALL the different types of cookies in front of him. When he thinks I look homeless and have come for free food anyway, might as well do it.

4. Review sessions are supposed to help pass exams at hand. It is not a session for you to deliberate on your dream company's profit and loss statements or whatever jargon you use to call them. You're not reviewing how this recession happened for the exam. You're trying to get out of it. So, stop asking questions like:

"So, if this company is bankrupt, what happens to the income statement?"

Apart from the fact that there is no income, so no income statement, that is NOT IN THE SYLLABUS, dumbass! And this is Accounting 101 which I'm already failing. I don't need dickheads like you to make it worse. Okay?

5. Stop looking at me when I talk in class wondering how I can even contribute to the conversation about branding. I read the newspapers while you learn it all from this one class. So,

me : #win, you: #fail

6. Indian MBA students who are aspiring to get jobs, stop putting on this much make up for the interviews. The interviewer maybe too scared to hire you. And the make-up you use? It's for people with either white skin or really dark skin. It's not for people like you who are trying-to-be-white-skinned.

7. Also, ya, networking is good. But you don't have to prey. Leave that to the vultures.

For people who are MBA grads who disagree, please feel free to do that. I'm all for self-expression and freedom of speech, as you can very well see. Just don't expect me to agree with you just because you think you're smart.

And if you are my classmate and you read this post and think it's about you, yes, please get the message. I don't do jargon to sugarcoat this, and so, you can't take it if I tell you as it is.

Of course, you don't want that to happen face to face considering you are forever trying hard to impress your American classmates no?

Nostalgia

I'm a person who lives for and dies by nostalgia. I don't live in the past, but I'm someone who's very emotional and sentimental about the past. People, moments, food, memories - they hold a lot of significance for me. Even on my most practical days.

Today is one such day. I have tons to study and I will, without fail. I've become that kind of a student. Always studying. Not because I'm a nerd, but I think its because I fear failure. I fear academic failure. Its taken a lot to get back to academics. I hate academics. Even now when I'm actually enjoying what I do. So, I'm worried that a single failure will push me back. I guess it will take some time to get back to telling myself what I told myself all the 22 years that I studied. Academics is bullshit. Its the person you are that makes a difference :D Trust me, its true.

I've been looking forever for this Class 11-12 (PUC in Bangalore) classmate of mine. She and I were super close. She was born to study Science and Engineering and she was determined to do very well. I hated Science and I didn't do well those two years. But one thing that kept me going to class and trying harder every time was my friendship with this girl. 1998 certainly didn't have Facebook and I certainly wasn't tech savvy to have an email account to exchange. Plus, hey, we were in the same city. Who thought of moving anywhere? Who thought of getting married and losing touch? We had our home phone numbers. No kid owned a cell phone and kids like me thought it was uncool and spelled 'spoilt brat' to own a cell phone then. I preferred not telling my parents where I was and sometimes, I think my parents preferred that too :P

Now, my 'online research' skills are superlative and I search for this girl every other day. I know her first name and don't remember her initials/last name. I never found her. Until yesterday. I was looking for someone else and I suddenly saw her on Facebook. I couldn't believe my eyes. I sent her a message and she responded. We exchanged emails all night. She spoke of how she went to my house in Bangalore looking for me a couple of months ago. And she saw that we'd moved out. It hit me then.

The house. I was 10 when we moved from the congested area to this residential area. I was this kid who grew up with no regular friends to play with (these residential areas had tons of kids, parks, slides, kids cycling around, hep mothers watching these kids) and in a not-so-cool area. I hated this initially. Change of school, home. Everything. I'm not as sensitive a child that I got upset :P so, I adjusted and made friends pretty quickly. Earlier this year, when I went to India for a vacation, Amma told me of plans to demolish the house with the beautiful garden, lawn, the long walk to the gate, the compound around which my dog used to run around, with the mango tree and the old, decayed guava tree. I was shocked. They wanted to make apartments of my glorious independent house (Bangaloreans in residential areas like mine will understand the agony I went through) I'm all for convenient apartments, but my dream is to own/live in a huge house with a garden and lots of space. And my house had old-fashioned red oxide floors. Yeah!

But nothing prepared me for my sisters' reactions. My youngest who moved in when she was 2 broke down and cried and spoke of how much she will miss the house. The other one spoke of how she met all her friends in the post first renovation 'last room.' I had no such memories, frankly. I loved the garden, the huge terrace where we made vadaam with Pati during our summer vacations, the dog we had. My friends did come over all the time, but I was someone who spent a lot of time outside the house.

But now? Now I'm crying over this house. I got this email from this girl and now, I have had SO many people - all old friends, classmates write to me talking of how they missed the huge house on the corner of the road every time they passed the street. My house was the center of our lives. School was close by, class mates lived around my house, college was close by. Shops, hang out places (remember those chaat joints in 1998 when we paid Rs 5 to eat Pani puri with friends :D), everything. No wonder everyone remembers my house. Because every one passed by it and we waved at them. My friends who walked home when it rained were called in by Amma, fed some snack, given an umbrella and sent home. My granny stood at the gate and saw which guys I walked back home with. My mom stood in the terrace taking clothes off the drying line watching us come back from school. The library guys came home to pick up/deliver books if we forgot to return them in time. My sister's friends came over all the time to spend time and giggle over studies (all of them were nerds). I stood at the gate watching my crush go home every day. EVERYONE passed my house.

I know it seems like a historical site, but that house has been there for way longer than we've been. The residents of the area know the previous occupants. So much that my English teacher went to school with one of the erstwhile residents of this house. While I didn't feel much when my mum spoke about demolishing the house, now, reading emails from more than 4 people asking me about the house makes me cry and yearn for those cool red-oxide floors, the lawn, the portico that was, the backyard, the everyday fighting over who was going to lock the gate and doors, the getting wet in the rain and coming back home to Amma standing by the gate with the umbrella to escort us through the walkway inside the house. The house I left when I got married ( I never thought this'd get me sentimental. I'm just not the bidaai type)

I can only imagine what my youngest feels. The years she spent in this house were her years. The birthday parties which were so famous, her friends on the road, her 'Ms. India' friend, the irritating neighbour obsessed with his 'frontage,' the neighbour opposite us who turned out to be the 'Mrs Jones' of the neighbourhood, the next door neighbour calling Appa and Amma 'uncle and aunty' though he was older :D Nothing can replace these small memories and I know how she feels. Now.

This post really goes out to that house. I hope whatever my family decides to build there is going to have as glorious a life as what the previous house did. This, I hope will be even more special since my aunts and uncles are going to be living together. All in one apartment complex. I can only hope that, this means that my kids and little cousin will have brilliant summer vacations too. Maybe listening to old Hindi movie numbers, trying hard to escape Math quizzes? :)

Hmm...

All my life I've been impulsive. I'm not a go-getter. I'm not someone who is so passionate that I see through my dreams. In fact, I've hardly dreamed of big things. I've only wanted to be happy. And I'm a fairly happy person. For all my depression and frustration over the last 2 years, there have been several moments of sheer joy that I've very recklessly not documented here. But then, this blog is hardly a mirror to my life or what I do or what I think of. Its random. Just like me. Just like my dreams.

As a kid, like every other kid, I dreamt of being a doctor. My parents were thrilled. Not like other parents who pushed their children towards academic excellence. My dad was thrilled that he could build a dream hospital for me. He loves building stuff :P Of course, the fact that I was a doctor would have made them proud too. I loved the idea of becoming a doctor thanks to the profession's noble nature. I loved the idea of me running day and night helping people. I still do. I force my dreams on my youngest sis who is studying medicine. The day she cribs about night duty, I remind her of the hundreds of women whose lives she could change with just basic courtesy from her. And by being paid for it. Yes, I'm rather selfish that way.

When I got married and cribbed, which has been the area on which my posts are all written about, I forgot to mention how I don't really dream for a CEO position. Or, to earn money. After all, I married a Post-Doctoral scholar with no money as an impulse decision. My dreams are not made of money, or clothes, shopping, a large house with a garden ( I do want to have it, but I don't care if I don't) or anything of that sort. I'm not aggressive about my career or anything in my life. So, like my dream of being a doctor, everything slowly fizzles out. I cried that I didn't have a job, but I never, once thought about what I really want to do. And soon enough, I did and realized that its not about a job, its about having something to do. So, today, when I struggle with papers and a grad student life, I rethought my life's priorities.

I'm in a long distance relationship and I'm not really enjoying that. But then, I know some people I love and know very well will point out, rather rationally, the results of this one year that I'm going to be away. However, they get it wrong. My worry with this course/this degree/grad student life is not about staying away from AB alone. Its more about the effort to be put in. I will be honest. I don't like putting in effort. I'm not a person who is lazy. I worked 24/7 for my college theater club. I enjoyed doing it. I didn't earn a pie. I wasn't exempted from exams. Nothing. It was just plain, simple joy. Now, as I go through papers after papers, all technical stuff, business stuff, things that people only dream of in one of the best schools with some of the most brilliant minds ( You should meet my classmates. They are positively awe-inspiring and they are all late 80s, early 90s kids. *shudder*) I wonder if this is what I wanted to do.

Today, I called AB tearfully and spoke of coming back. Leaving everything and coming back. Not for him. Really. I've thought about it all day instead of studying. And I realized its not because I miss him. I'm not that naive or that romantic, even. Its because I just don't fit in with these ambitions. With these dreams of making it big. That is not what I want. Not something I've ever wanted. Even in the worst times with financial trouble, I've not wanted more money. Or fame.

What is it I want then? This was a question AB asked me. Rather exasperatingly, if I may add here. I didn't think. I just knew it. I want a simple, random, clean, blah life. I will do by bit for this world by being environmentally conscious, making sure my kid(s) are conscientious citizens, see if I can contribute politically and live happily. I need a couple of books, food and people around me .That is all I want. I will dabble in Theater ( more seriously than ever before, this desire has come back) and write, cook, read. Blah. I want it like that. Boring. I want to get up every morning not thinking of a things to do list. I want to sleep every night not keeping an alarm thinking I may oversleep and may miss class/meeting.

No, I'm not saying I will not hold a job or will not follow basic rules for financial and life independence. Not at all. That is probably taking it to the other extreme. It also probably hurts more now because AB is moving back to India. The place I long for. I cry for India day and night. Literally. And now, I just feel left behind. I feel lost.

Many may say that I lack purpose. I think I lack purpose in the sense of being ambitious. Ambitious not just about career since that's a word usually associated with work/career. I lack ambition in life. And I think that's perfectly okay. I think its perfectly okay that I want to slack and do my thing. Which is not really anything. I want to have a regular job. Boring, albeit, something to keep me occupied, I want to be at home in India. I want to be among people. People I love, I hate ( keeps me going :P), doesn't matter!

So far, in my life, I've done everything impulsively. I chose to study in CIEFL as an impulse. Chose to get married to AB on an impulse. And I do excel at having fun with even decisions that have gone wrong. A lot of my impulsive decisions have swung the right way, thankfully. There have been some that didn't and I will be honest here, I don't regret it. I've just not thought again of how I could have been a doctor if I had decided to put in more effort. Surely, that was the only thing lacking in me that prevented me from being a doc. It doesn't matter! I've moved on to do better things. Actually, funner things.

Like I said, I spoke to AB about this. He told me to stick with grad school and do this because I'm smart and what not and blah. And that I should not let go off such opportunities. That's the cautious scientist, master at logic speaking. If I'd spoken to my parents, they'd have said: "Kanna, if this is making you unhappy even for a moment now, its not worth it. Come back if you feel like it." And Appa would have laughed at the money, the effort spent on this. Genetics is almost an exact science, trust me. I've learned it from experience. However, for a change, I'm going to listen to AB. I'm going to stick with this, against my impulse to run back to India and eat Pani Puri on the streets. I know I can do this. The ability was never in doubt. It was always the desire. Do I want to do this?

Some may even call me stupid. A feminist who isn't really one. Who said feminists have only one choice - that of working and furthering career? The course I've chosen to do here is rather high-profile. The founder of Foursquare apparently is an alum of my course here at SU. Cool. I don't want to be him. Or that girl who runs the Media campaign for some big shot company. I've never wanted to be her. Some may call me hippie. But I lack the courage or the conviction or the beliefs to be one. I do have a larger purpose in life. To be happy. To be passionate. To change things or the world around me. You can't call that a lesser calling than anything that involves money and career and a big bungalow and perfectly raised kids going to expensive schools. Or, will you?

Fitting in

I'm so not fitting into the academic scenario, that its not weird, worrisome anymore. So, I have just 2 classes per day. Yeah. 1 hour and a good 45 mins later, they leave us with more questions than ever before. Of course, you'd think that its good if you're from that school of thinking. I'm not. I like answers. I like answers to my questions, at least once a week. Its not too much to ask that we don't go home with another 100 questions and more readings to do, in search of the elusive answer. No. Stop right there and don't tell me there is no one answer. You should not even be reading this blog!

That said, I'm really trying hard to change. I've never been the academic sort. If you see the kind of stuff that my friends/cousins do, I'm in august company. So, this whole Masters' thing which was taken up with much reluctance is finally here. I showed enough excitement before the course and I'm sufficiently enthusiastic enough to still do my readings everyday. Okay, I admit, only the first week of classes just got over. So, since I have just 2 classes - one in the morning and one in the evening, I technically have nothing to do the whole day. I take that back. There is enough reading for me to keep me occupied every minute of this break. So, my plan to escape the Syracuse heat (or cold, like some people WILL point out) is to sit in the library. And unfortunately, this is not my kinda library.

My kinda library doesn't have academic books. My kinda library doesn't have geeks sitting with their Macs (I'm tired of Mac fan-dom, so, let's shut it) and looking at code or Asian kids sitting and studying like their life depends on it.

Anyway, since I can't even dream of my kinda library in the next one year, let's see what I can do with this. I've never had a good relationship with university libraries. When I did my Masters in Hyderabad, I was the last person to go to the CIEFL library. Sometimes, I'd go, pick up books, never read them and then dutifully return the books a week later. I'm very prompt that way. No late fees for me. However, EVERY single time that I've been to that library, a mishap has occurred. The first time I went, the librarian was taking us on a library tour. As enthusiastic as I can get over nothing, I didn't see where I was going. So, there was this location where there were a couple of steps (2 or 3) and a ramp for disabled people. The librarian took the steps, and I should have, too. I didn't realize. In the magic of books around me, I walked like I was floating and I found myself on the ramp and since we were 'coming down,' it only meant that I slipped and fell on my ass in front of the whole wide world.

Then, the second time I went, I decided to live my fantasy of climbing on one of those ladders and taking out the books from the top shelf. Yes, you're quite smart. I lost balance and I very smartly held on to the book shelf(-ves) rather than just falling down with the ladder. Holding onto bookshelves meant that not only do I fall, but I also make a carefully arranged set of books (over 200?) fall with me, and possibly on me.

Then, one time, I was leaning over the open encyclopaedia and the dictonaries on a big table and I'm not kidding, I fell over with my legs dangling in the air. After this episode which turned out to be rather embarrassing, I decided not to visit the library in future. And I didn't. Until now, that is.

So, my rather efficient, treating-myself-like-a-robot-plan was to hit the gym ( so I could take a shower, actually - shower stories in another blogpost), get to the 9 AM class with a wacky, cute, funny, frustrating but brilliant self-professed devil of a professor. After some severe brain activity and constant defence of my self esteem without violence, I head to the library, check mail, Facebook etc, etc and get to studying. Studying Media law which is really interesting now that I'm in Syracuse. This routine hasn't really worked out since I've been going home for some reason or the other before the evening class.

However, as I type this today, I'm at the library celebrating my sticking to the routine by posting on this blog! I came here at 11 AM and chatted with AB and a couple of other friends and then decided to study. This is when it happened, I guess. Because 3 hours later, I'm wiping drool off the Media Law book and wondering when exactly I went off to sleep.

3 hours in the library and I don't have one page down. Yet. I hope the rest of the year in the library doesn't involve naps. Its just way too comforting now that I've figured how to sleep sitting down.

News

I just wanted to let the few blog readers who are not on my Facebook :P or Gtalk know that I'm moving to Syracuse for a year to do my Masters in Media Management at Syracuse University.

Can you see that I'm trying to suppress my jubiliant yells? :D

Thanks. Really. Thanks for everything.

Is being smart the new 'sexy?'

A couple of weeks ago, the wolf-boy and I discussed a couple of articles that he pointed me towards. That boy, coupled with his fanfare for gorgeous women (read Sonam Kapoor and Tina Fey) has some amazing links to share for a bygone reader like me. You can read those articles here and here

In gist, very crudely put, smart women can't be sexy. At least in mainstream media. Coincidentally, that night, we went out to watch the Tina Fey starrer 'Date Night.' Thanks to extremely low expectations from us, we thought the movie was pretty good (in spite of bad reviews) In this movie, her character is of a bored suburban mom/wife who has a regular job. She looks the way she is portrayed in most of her TV shows - specs, formal wear and of course, harried thanks to motherhood (Very discouraging for the rest of us, possible future mothers) The one day, she decides to look sexy and look attractive (brains are never considered attractive for women on the first impression), things go awry. And of course, its fun stuff from there.

I'm quite used to this. A hot woman is always a bimbo. A hot woman who is intelligent ( say, secret agent) is only that because they need to show equal opportunity or something. How many of us talk of Lara Croft's physical power or her intelligence v/s her awesome body? Of course, its not our fault. That is what the film-makers want to project anyway, right?

This is not a feminist debate, really. When I saw Roman Polanski's The Ghost Writer, all these thoughts came back to me. I haven't watched any other Polanski movie to comment and compare on his film-making style. Its a different thing that I couldn't have done it even if I had seen any of his movies earlier :)

That said, this movie was a treat to watch. I'm quite tired of 'action' movies, alien movies, sci-fi ( I *hate* them) and random chick-flicks. I need to be engrossed, like most of you would like, am assuming. The Ghost Writer did just that. It wasn't entirely brain numbing as some other 'intelligent' movies, but it did make me focus on the movie in hand than about how I relate to the movie. Until now, that is. The mystery in the movie was so engrossing that I didn't realize the nuances of characterisation in this movie.

The wife of the British Prime Minister played by Olivia Williams is shown to be a smart politician, student activist, someone who understands the dirty world of politics and what not. And how does she look, you ask? Certainly nothing compared to Kim Cattrall who plays the Secretary to the Prime Minister and possibly his mistress too. Now, how cliched can we get with the idea of a sexy secretary? And of course, only women who don't get to have any other career become secretaries no?

The character played by Olivia Williams is always having a fight with her suave Prime Minister husband. She hates the secretary. You knew that, didn't you? She ends up being a person who 'needs' sex, so has it with the writer who comes in to write the PM's memoirs. At the surface level, the fights between the PM and the wife seem like marital disputes, the likes of less attention being given, of not listening to the wife - you know, the usual. The wife gives a suggestion to help him gain mileage in tough times, and he disregards them and she is upset. Isn't that what happens in everyone's lives?

But when I think about it now, a week after the movie. I'm thinking, maybe she was way smarter than him (which is true in the movie, anyway) that he can't keep up with her thought process and her quick decisions. He needs a posse of lawyers and advisors to keep things moving. In the movie, it is shown that it is due to her intelligence that he grows from an ordinary student activist to being the PM and it is thanks to herself that she is highly regarded. So, I wonder, was her intelligence also the cause of her downfall as a 'wife' or as a 'woman?'

In fact, from a personal experience of a friend who was recently considered attractive (in not so many words), a group of us sent emails to each other and spoke about it. Now, I wonder what was so surprising about her being attractive? Why? Because she is considered one of the boys and therefore, smart and sensible and not a 'pain' like other women? :) Or, is it something else?

Can't smart women be sassy and sexy? I know there are umpteen examples to prove this cliche wrong. However, writing this post, I wondered how I'd end it. As you can see, I'm quite scattered :)

Does that make me attractive? Because you can laugh, pat on my back fondly at my obvious confusion? Or, shall I trust my instincts that I'm smart already and ask if you consider me attractive?

I have a feeling I know what it is. I think I want it. Just like Tina Fey? :)