The Chaos Theory

*this post is nonsense and is a rant. Read at your own risk*

Hmm.. no, the title is no indication of any knowledge of Physics on my part. (Hey, this theory is in Physics no?) Anyway, am too bored and too above all this to check and write on this blog. Its not like this blog is read by the the common junta who swear by every word I write and agree or disagree passionately with me. Its not like people hold discussions on my blog and consider me the next new writer on the blogosphere. But then, its not like I aim to be that. This blog is a vent where I express what I want, without caring about my job prospects. Not that I see any. Anyway, if you've read this far, you might as well read on no? This is sheer nonsense, going forward, but humor me.

For the last 2 years, I've sat on this very brown couch which AB got on a sale :D and cribbed, whined, cheered Top Chef contestants, laughed at Project Runway, watched umpteen food shows, figured out how to cook most non vegetarian dishes though I'm probably never going to do it. Do you know that sea food is to be cooked fast and that a dash of lemon makes a ton of difference with sea food? Or that, before you whip cream, you should put the bowl and the beater in the fridge to cool it? ( Say you didn't, please. Thanks!) Apart from doing all this, I've also made friends in the blogosphere, people who I talk to everyday, people who are going to find this post redundant ( But then, they already read me and are forced to, as is the practice with the blog world :D) So, you must be thinking, wow, what a life - TV, books, Internet, good food, friends - what more does one want, really? I mean who'd want a job, who'd want NOT to sit at home staring at the 4 walls, who'd want any real friends anyway? Right?

When I got married 1.5 years ago, I made sure I married a guy who was not an H1. Meaning, my visa status allowed me to study and work ( My mom is tired of this line, but what the heck!) and I was pleased with the situation. I imagined myself all dressed up and going to work, leading the classic life of a busy woman with a job to handle, a man to clean up after (of course, its the other way round now) and a house to tend to. I thought of having a dog to keep me in company since I love dogs and not had one in ages now. I thought I was going to be that busy person who keeps in touch with friends, remembers their bdays, calls home every weekend, figures out other stuff to do apart from work. Basically, leads a full life with its usual complaints. Little did I know in my callow years ( ooh, I feel mature and wise) that all this was an illusion. No, I don't have a job, I'm not an efficient super career woman managing house, dog and man. I'm not in touch with a lot of my friends, hardly in touch with family and certainly doing anything apart from sitting on this couch. It sucks, yes and so keep the sympathy to yourself, thank you. I don't need any more of it.

However, in spite of all this - both of us are hunting for jobs. Well he is, while I claim to be without knowing what I need to do. Literally 2 years of doing nothing leaves you with this feeling of being incapable of doing anything right. Of course it doesn't help that sometimes the only thing you do - cooking also turns out to be a disaster. Or, when you clean the house, you make more of a mess than actually clean it up thanks to your clumsiness. I broke the closet door again and slipped and fell on the carpet. Yes, the carpet has stains of every single thing I've eaten over the year thanks to sneezing when I'm eating or just staring at things fall from my hand. I digressed again. Ya, like I said, hunting for jobs, praying everytime that this stupid recession ends and at the same time hoping the rents remain low (meaning market should not improve!), we plan our lives EVERY single day.

I realized this today. We baked a gooey Devil's Food Chocolate cake what with icing and all that jazz to take it for a dinner (one of the very few) we were invited to, tonite. It got cancelled. The cake remains in our fridge. So, I came to know of it just now and pinged AB to let him know that the cake is a waste. We were wondering what to do with it, and we ended up deciding that we will eat it and deliberate on our wonderful life together, celebrate the coming of the weekend, and plan. Plan our life together. Plan to get that perfect job, plan to get into Grad School (inspite of dismal GRE scores, if anyone's keeping track of me), plan to keep in touch with family and friends that I don't want to talk to because they are better off than me ( Yes, I'm like that. Judge me) and basically get the cake done with. We can't waste food you know? Especially not chocolate cake.

I've been reading Zenhabits lately and sometimes cursorily read it and say to myself, how easy it is for someone to just write this. Blah. But I guess it struck a chord somewhere. I've been paranoid over the last two years of how I'm turning old without a career, without financial independence ( frankly, this is all I asked for as a young girl, as a woman) which literally translates to having no control over my life. I know. I wasn't such a control freak when things were going good. I was an impulsive person who loved to dance in the rain, who loved doing random things. Now I think too much. How old am I? How am I going to earn money 10 years down the line? What am I going to tell my kids? That I sat on this couch and cried everyday? And each of these questions only make me cry further. The thought of home making all my life drives me nuts and leads to bouts of depression, crying, frustration, tantrums, impatience. You name it. Its not been easy. We've had visa issues, financial issues, plain personal frustration, peer pressures, family pressures, self applied pressure and what not. Every time I read something, or talk to someone who's been through a lot more - I tell myself to get rid of my frustrations and look ahead and just take things as they come. And I've not been successful. Never will I tell another person: this is just a phase. This too shall pass. Or, that, you know, its going to be okay. Because frankly, it is not okay. It is not okay to sit like this and cry. It is not okay to constantly think its okay. It is not okay for you to offer your sympathies in your comments because I don't want them. I will lash out. Be warned.

There I go again. I told you its not easy. Its not like I'm not going to cry ever. However, every time I cry, I will come back stronger. I'm no super human to not feel the pain. And I don't want to be one. I will cry, loudly, rant loudly and scream when I'm upset, but will that make me any less stronger. I guess not and you better not second guess it.

I'm going to take a step forward. Soon, I will be an H4 wife, the one thing I fought against ever since I understood what it meant. I fought for others who were going to be H4s and I turned out to be one. But this time, I'm determined to get off the couch. What the heck? I'm planning to give it away or sell it and buy a new bright red couch. I'm going to apply to those damn grad schools inspite of bad scores. Do I care? No, I really do not. I've never been the one to be swayed by marks and I will not be, even now. Will I do programming coz its the only thing that will get me a job? No. I'm doing Humanities. Go talk to someone else, all ye engineer worshippers. I'm tired of you all. I'm going to get out of this mess, do my thing and show the frikkin' world that takes me for granted. You know who you are. I don't intend to be the super efficient home maker like my mom or the super efficient career woman like I was. I'm not going to worry if my guests see a dirty carpet. I'm not going to worry if I'm clumsy -that's the way I am. Take it. I'm not going to worry if I turn 30 and I don't have a baby or a career as yet. I'm not going to worry what you say about me. I will do my thing.

And I will eat that chocolate cake without regret, only worrying about the future of the cake and take my life as it comes. I haven't felt this good before and I hope I continue to feel the same way. Devil's Food Cake, lead the way.